As I've been lacking in inspiration for both my novel and my blog (and I sincerely apologize for that, you guys, you know I do) I have decided that on days I cannot come up with a topic or theme I will complete a short story prompt for you to enjoy.
I found a weekly 100 word challenge at Velvet Verbosity. Every week, she chooses a theme and challenges writers to write a 100 word story for it. This week's theme was Whistling.
Here is my story. Title: Danny
Danny crossed the street at the intersection of Orion and
Pine. The sky was vividly blue, rare for
Seattle. He smiled up at the azure canopy and began to whistle as he drew
closer to home. The melody had been with
him for weeks, haunting his dreams.
He was lost in the tune and he didn’t see the car coming.
Danny stepped into the street, whistling clearly. When his legs broke, so did
his song. His skull shattered the windshield and his blood coagulated there as
he rolled off the hood. He could still
hear the melody as he died.
Men. I have a new boyfriend who understands my darkness. Understands my weakness. When I can't pay my bills and I struggle to take care of myself, he doesn't lecture me. He inspires me to do better, to problem solve, he never tells me I have to be more independent, he doesn't tell me I'm not marriage material.
This brings up the question: did or do I really need a man to validate my existence? To qualify my intentions as I set them?
I get two conflicting messages from current culture. The first is the remnants of the relatively modern belief that women are inferior to men and all women need a man to take care of them and tell them what to think. I do not agree with this whole message. The other message I receive from society is that I'm a strong, independent woman and I don't need no man. This too I do not accept as a whole.
While I know that women are just as capable, just as strong, just as powerful as men are, for myself I maintain a submissive relationship with men. I like to do as I'm told because I am afraid of leading the pack, of taking a stand, of being the boss. I know that my life experiences have made me this way and I have been essentially beaten into submission by circumstance. When I was younger, I was always described by my teachers as being a leader. The change started when the bullying began in fourth grade.
My new boyfriend doesn't want to control me. He wants me to be happy, and he will support me in finding that happiness in whatever way it happens to manifest. That's all I could hope for. I hope this one lasts.
I don’t really know How to trust the gentleman That come a’calling Sometimes I can feel My heartbeat dying along With my melting mind I am always sad Sometimes I feel like dying But I am still here I found that I am Always going to be weird And that is okay
What a mess the past few days have been. On Sunday, my
brother and mother and I took my daughter, Momo, to the zoo. It was fun, although
my family made it clear that they think I’m stupid as hell. The following
exchange happened:
Me: Do animals get periods? Where does the blood go? Does it
just drip down their legs?
Mom: Bleed and lick! Bleed and lick!
Bro: What animal were you thinking of?
Me: Oh, a li-
Bro (interrupting): Because if you were thinking of an
animal that lays eggs I would have been really disappointed.
Mom: She’s thinking of reptiles.
In truth, I was thinking of lions.
______________________
Sunday night, Momo’s father came into town. He was staying
with me. He took the bed with Momo while I slept on the couch. He stayed with
me until Wednesday morning, when he left with Momo at 4:30am.
The whole time he was in town, my mind was completely hazy.
I am unsure if it’s the empathy that comes with having severe mental illness or
his energy, but his energy was beating mine into submission. I was overwhelmed
by his disdain. He is a soft spoken man, but he also is the biggest jerk I’ve
ever known. He continued to insult my parenting, my home, my pets, and me. He
kept implying that what we had wasn’t real and he never actually even liked me
too. I have no feelings for the man, but that was cruel to deny that the union
that produced our little princess was beautiful.
I have been feeling highly spiritual today. I am rather
excited. I will be finding my patron
deities by Sunday, and I will fill you in then on who my patrons are, what
message they have for me, and info about each God/dess.
I don't feel like much today. Wednesday night I only got four hours of sleep. I napped throughout the day, but I felt like shit most of the day. Last night I took 100mg of Trazodone, and I slept for twelve hours. I needed it. But even though I've only been awake nine and a half hours as of the time of writing this post, I am exhausted already.
I cleaned my kitchen (somewhat) and vacuumed my living room. I did a few loads of laundry. I don't know why I'm so tired. I barely did anything.
I downloaded Spotify today. I love Pandora, but I wanted to be able to make my own playlist, so I switched. At least for when these mood strikes me and I have to create the perfect ambience.
I want to play video games and listen to music and write and create for days straight, but I have a party to attend tomorrow. Alas. Tomorrow will be a good day, right? Can I create routine? Can I finish my novel? I feel like I'm suffocating.
This morning I woke up early, around 8:30. I have trouble
sleeping through the night so I woke up several times between midnight when I
went to sleep and when I finally rose for the day, most notably when the sun
rose a little after five. I was dressed and ready by 10am. I have never been a morning person, but I am
beginning to be. Much like I discussed here, I think rising with the sun offers
a unique perspective on the day to come and can infuse you with a special kind
of energy that you’ll lack if you wake in the afternoon.
My tarot of the day was Seven of Wands. The Shadowscapes
book describes the card thusly:
The Vixen faces off
against a badger, while her kits watch from beneath the protective curl of her
tail. The enemies circle and circle. They size each other up. A nip here to
test the swiftness of reaction; a swipe to press the defenses. The vixen snarls
and lunges forward, for she has her brood to protect, and she will not fail
them! Fear for her kits burns in her heart. Her actions are necessity, not
merely courage, and yet it is all the more courageous for being such a selfless
act, without the tangle of thoughts and justifications. Her mere belief makes
her fight ten times more fiercely and with a fiery strength.
The bamboo of the
wands signifies strength and fortitude. Bamboo possesses a slender suppleness
that sways in the winds and does not break. It grows tenaciously and sends out
multitudinous shoots in all directions, the better to compete for sun and
space.
The Seven of Wands
represents taking a stand, defending what you believe in. The world is full of
strife and stiff competition, and one must have courage in facing the
difficulties that come. Do not buckle under a stiff wind, but sway like the
bamboo. Seemingly insurmountable odds can be overcome with faith and courage.
My interpretation of this pull was that I need to make sure
to not let anything deter me from the life I want to lead. The life I am
building. I wonder if it has any implications for my disability case. I quit my
job in February and applied for disability but it takes 4-6 months to get an
answer. If I do not get approved initially, I have an attorney on retainer to
file an appeal for me.
I went to therapy today. We discussed the letter for me to
go back to school. We talked about men and who I’m interested in currently. We
discussed my borderline personality and how I often feel like I’m in love far
too early to be rational. To be honest, it felt as if she was mocking me as I
tried to defend my love for someone. It bothers me that my penchant for falling
in love easily makes people so uncomfortable. How could love be a bad thing? I’m
not going to kill myself over a man, I’m not going to stalk him, I’m not going
to have a breakdown if it doesn't work out. Honestly.
bring back those good ol' days nothing feels right nothing ever goes my way I threw my future away now I walk alone out here in the cold wandering astray where is my future?
I'm gonna need a home you'd expect the same now wouldn't you? wouldn't you?
your journey back to birth is haunting you haunting you
your departure from the earth is haunting you haunting you
only those who accept will find that acceptance in return we have been trimmed down like hedges and told just to sit and wilt and spit at each other from a distance there is constant resistance from you
I'm gonna need a home you'd expect the same now wouldn't you? wouldn't you?
it's been 10 years strong that's much too long it's time to do something good for my health it's time to do something good for myself I've wasted all of this time
I
don’t know how I’ve let so much time pass before updating. I suppose I needed a
break, to figure out where I’m going. I’m not entirely sure yet, but I have a
better idea than I did five months ago. It’s a part of growing up, I guess, to
be able to see and differentiate between what works for you and what doesn’t.
Physically, I have started Copaxone injections for
my confirmed Multiple Sclerosis. I inject myself every day with 20mg syringes.
My neurologist wanted to start me on the 40mg thrice-weekly regimen, but my
insurance wouldn’t cover it. It isn’t the most pleasant sensation as the
injection site aches and itches for ten minutes afterward, but that’s alright.
The price for physical peace, am I right?
Romantically, my boyfriend and I broke up. We were
together almost 4 years. It’s a huge shift in lifestyles. I had grown
accustomed to his company and his house and his XBOX. I care for him very much,
but we just had too much to work on individually. I had needs that he was not
meeting and I’m sure he had needs I wasn’t meeting. I am not single and ready
to mingle now, however. There is something else I’m focusing on.
Academically, I am working on getting a letter from
my therapist to submit to the school so that I can go back to school in the
fall. I do not work, so I am sure that I can concentrate. Schoolwork and my
novel will my entire life. I doubt I’ll have much of a social life. I’m going to contact the lender of my student
loans to make sure I’m not in default when I apply as well.
Spiritually, I am at a crossroads. Science and
reality and everything that has to do with them have been my religions. I still
crave a connection with a higher power, but I haven’t believed in one for a
long time. I am a member of several atheist groups. Still, in my secret moments
when I’m alone, I ache for the comfort I felt when I was in the arms of the
Goddess. I am trying to get back into my spirituality. As long as it isn’t the
New Age propaganda that assigns miracles to coincidences, I can reconcile my
two passions. I believe that magick is scientific. I am sure that one day
science will be able to prove it. And then it won’t be magick anymore, it’ll be
a new conversation with the universe in which mankind forgot to participate.
Heather and Mullein will be a daily exercise before
I go to bed from this post on. I will still have themes, but I will be using
this blog as a diary. Full disclosure when possible, but a lot of boring
details regarding my diet or exercise or other mundane activities. This is my
effort to track my progress through my eloquence and topic matter.
It’s really difficult for me to write this. As you know, I
haven’t written a post in a while, and the reason for that is I just haven’t
been inspired. I don’t feel the pull of the Goddess anymore, and I’ve been
increasingly judgmental of other pagans. I believe in science and I also
believe in magick, but the thing is…not every weird occurrence is the result of
actions by the fae or spirits or anything. When you get angry and then the wind
blows, you aren’t controlling the weather. There is such a thing as
coincidence. And it blows my mind that so many pagans by into the whole thing
of
“I’m sixteen, I can control the weather. I’m also empathic and I am very
intuitive.” Of course you are, intuitive and empathic people are drawn to
paganism.
I guess I just don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I want
to be the kind, soft-hearted person I always admire, but I’m just not. There is
a lot of bitterness in my soul, and I don’t know how to be rid of it. For
Manifest, I did a releasing ritual and while it helped, I think the scars on my
heart are there to stay.
I am in love. The person I love is emotionally distant from
me, and my encouragement and enthusiasm to make things work with him I think is
driving him further away. Meanwhile I’m having money woes and work place woes
and I’m trying to get on disability and I don’t have a car and I don’t know
what to do. And all the while this bitterness in my heart at my own failings to
function as an adult, that I have bipolar disorder, that I have borderline
personality disorder, that I’m physically sick and that no one ever stays with
me is breaking my heart.
A close friend recently abandoned me. She said I’ve changed.
I haven’t. I think she thinks that you can only be friends with someone who
likes the same things as you do. People who are exactly like you. But that
would be so boring. I loved her like a sister, and she abandoned me.
It’s like that song from Phantom of the Opera, the movie,
the song by Minnie Driver.
Child of the wilderness
Born into emptiness
Learn to be lonely
Learn to find your way in darkness
Who will be there for
you
Comfort and care for you
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion
Never dreamed out in the
world
There are arms to hold you
You've always known your heart was on its own
So laugh in your
loneliness
Child of the wilderness
Learn to be lonely
Learn how to love life that is lived alone
Learn to be lonely
Life can be lived, life can be loved alone
If your 2013 was anything like mine, it was lackluster at
best and downright morbid at worst. 2013 brought me a slew of physical
ailments, psychotic episodes, and broken promises. However, I did start this
blog, and with it, I found a renewed motivation to find routine and harmony in
my life.
With that intention set for 2014, I would like to introduce
you all to Manifest, a workshop for the coming year by the wonderful and
illustrious Jessica. Manifest will be all about setting your intentions and
achieving your goals in 2014, making it the best year yet. For the wild women
and the daughters of the moon like so many of my readers are (and like myself!),
this holistic workshop will not be your regular planner. Included in the workshop will be one on one
coaching sessions with Jessica herself, for the extra motivation to really learn
the habits and skills to make every year from now on the best year ever. Please find all the information about Manifest here.
I am so honored to be a part of it, and it is my absolute
pleasure to hopefully bring you on board with me.
“Don't
you understand that we need to be childish in order to understand? Only a child
sees things with perfect clarity, because it hasn't developed all those filters
which prevent us from seeing things that we don't expect to see.”-Douglas Adams
So
it is with heavy heart that I announce I am infertile. My polycystic ovarian
syndrome (PCOS) is so rampant. I had an ultrasound a week ago or so, and my
right ovary is so overrun with cysts and you can’t see the ovary beneath them.
I
have a daughter. She is almost six. So while my biological clock is no longer
ticking as I approach my 26th birthday, I am still in mourning for
the future. I wanted my little one to have siblings. Granted, she will probably
have some through her father. Still, I wanted to have my own family with her.
Spiritually,
I am lamenting the unreliability of my menstrual cycle. As a pagan and
Goddess-worshiper, I grieve for the loss of my moontime. As a woman who has a
passion for women’s spirituality and women’s sexuality, I feel that the loss of
a regular moontime is symbolic of my inability to regulate my life. My entire
life is unpredictable. My job, my ability to make money, my future. As someone
with bipolar disorder, routine can make all the difference in the world. And I
seem to be fighting it.
Overall,
my mood is one of heartbreak. There is one shining light in this dark place that
I have found myself, but I cannot reveal it here just quite yet.
The
moon is waning. I will be banishing this darkness on the new moon with a ritual
bath and devastatingly thorough housecleaning and smudging. On the full moon, I
will be asking the Goddess for help finding myself, my femininity, my wild
woman.
The
lyrics above hold a very difficult lesson to learn. From a very young age, I
believed I was a princess. The movie A Little Princess ingrained that lesson in
me. Every girl is a princess. Unfortunately for me, that belief didn’t evolve
with my increasing age. As tragedy befell me and the child abuse began, I still
maintained that I was a princess. When bipolar disorder struck me and my
medications wreaked havoc on my intellect, when I began to fail at all of the
things that were my strengths, I still believed it. I was a princess, and I
deserved to be treated as such.
I made
excuses. I’m a princess, but a tragic princess. My abusers are the dragons that
keep me locked away from my Prince Charming. My failings and flaws are mere
quirks that will make me loved all the more. When I was in therapy at age 15, my therapist - devastatingly handsome man who smelled of sage and cloves - tried to point out the flaw in my thinking. I was ranting and raving one day when he pulled out his phone. "Hold on, hold on," he said, flipping open his Samsung. I asked him what he was doing. "I need to notify NASA. I just found the center of the universe." That moment has stayed with me over a decade, but unfortunately, the lesson was a little less sticky.
It was
a couple weeks ago that I realized something vital and devastating. While the
concept of my royalty was completely valid within the intention of Sara Crewe,
in typical bipolar fashion I blew it out of proportion and spun it into my own
ball of excessive ego. I realized that I do have to work for what I want. I’m
not talking about working a 9-5, etc. I’m talking about the effort it takes to
CREATE.
I am a
writer. I am a witch. I am a soul that is full of life
and I am screaming to reach beyond the limits of my body and touch the stars.
Meaning:
Regaining hope, faith in the future, inspiration. Finding the still and silent
place within your being of serenity, tranquility amid trouble, harmony,
offering without reservations, sharing and being generous. The harshness of
daylight or even moonlight is gone, and there is nothing but the calm and
nonjudgmental eyes of the stars. There is a peace to that, a space to gather
up, prepare, and uplift the spirit. Let loose doubts and fears to the embrace
of the night. The stars have always been symbols of guidance and hope, the
light to lead you home.
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