This is yet another stream of consciousness post. It has
been several weeks since my last post but I have felt either too tired, too
busy, or too distracted to come up with a topic. I have chronic fatigue as a
symptom of my fibromyalgia and multiple sclerosis and I can’t seem to shake it.
I have to start going to the gym. I know it will make me tired, but if I’m
healthier, I hope my illnesses will go into remission. I am just so sick. And I
hate it. I can’t be the wife James’ deserves, the mother Momo deserves, the
human my cats deserve while I feel this way. In other news, I got married. I am
so very happy. I wish I could say that I had a beautiful wedding, and I did
have a beautiful marriage ceremony, but money is a factor and so we opted for a
courthouse wedding.
I am so bored and so tired. I want to nap, but I know I have
to stay awake. I wish I didn’t though. Maybe just a short nap.
I have started going to church. The LDS church. I don’t
really believe in it, but I want to. I believe in a lot more of the witchcraft
path than anything else. But mostly, I am an atheist. As much as I want to
believe in Deity, I just can’t ignore scientific facts that seem to support the
theory that there is no intelligent design. I fully believe in evolution. I
suppose I could subscribe to the theory that I used to hold. That in the
beginning of eternity, there was the Masculine and the Feminine. The joining of
these two forces created the universes, and the repetitions of time immemorial.
These masculine and feminine principles manifest in God and the Goddess and the
“different” deities worshipped throughout time were mere facets of those two
principles. They wrote the universe in physics and math and science so science
does not prove that they don’t exist, it merely explains the way the universe is.
I just don’t know. I want to know. I want to believe in
something. Because I surely don’t believe in myself.
