Twelfth

“We the mortals touch the metals,
the wind, the ocean shores, the stones,
knowing they will go on, inert or burning,
and I was discovering, naming all the these things:
it was my destiny to love and say goodbye.” 

–Pablo Neruda

What is it about the night

That brings the quiet

I look to the city lights

And it is not sleeping.

What is it about the night

That offers solace

To the weeping sprites

That cannot retire.

What is it about the night

That offers balance

From the sunlight

To deepest shadow.

What is it about the night

That makes me remember

For all of my might

I cannot forsake you.

-Remembering the Nights © 2013 Heather Rivero

Eleventh

If you should find romance
Go on and take that chance
Before the strategies begin

Deadlines and commitments
Every morning
And in the evening
They can suck you in
Boy, don't I know it

This offer would be standing
All you've got to do is call
Don't be afraid to knock on the door

If you should fall upon hard times
If you should lose your way
There is a place
Here in this house
That you can stay

I am a Reiki practitioner. I received my certifications around six or seven months ago. I practice on myself and on family members, but I had never actually received Reiki from anyone else before. Today, I took a chance and I took an offer from a dear friend of mine to be her first client in her Wellness Clinic she wants to start for holistic healing. She, too, is a Reiki healer.

I laid down on her table and she placed a lavender scented pillow over my eyes. I closed my eyes.

I trust in Shae completely, and I knew I was in good hands. When she began by putting her hands on either side of my head, cupping my skull in a way, magick happened. I don’t know what it was, but it was like Mary Poppins was in my brain, putting the chemicals and nerves back, rebuilding the myelin sheaths. Tidying up the place. I could see it. After a few minutes she placed her hands over my head and I saw light. My eyes were not open and the pillow hadn’t moved, but I saw light dancing across my vision as pure and as bright as morning. Her healing light continued to wash over me as she healed me. She chose to do some light energy healing as well, moving my energy around where it needed to be. Finally, she finished the session with music healing. She played a haunting, beautiful melody on her Native American flute.

The key thing about today is while she healed my head, I came to a sudden realization. I am whole. I am beautiful. I am strong. I am powerful. I may have physical and mental illnesses and a load of painful memories, but my soul is strong and whole. I am not broken. The only thing that was broken about me before was my ability to see myself for who I really am.

I am Heather. I am.

 Blessed Be.

**Lyrics from "Deadlines and Commitments" by The Killers

Tenth

Sólo queda una vela
encendida en medio de la tarta
y se quiere consumir.

Ya se van los invitados,
tú y yo nos miramos
sin saber bien qué decir.

Nada que descubra lo que siento:
Que este día fue perfecto
y parezco tan feliz...
Nada como que hace mucho tiempo
que me cuesta sonreir.

Quiero vivir,
quiero gritar,
quiero sentir
el Universo sobre mí.
Quiero correr en libertad,
quiero encontrar mi sitio.

Una broma del destino,
una melodía acelerada
en una canción que nunca acaba.

Ya he tenido suficiente;
necesito a alguien que comprenda
que estoy sola en medio de un montón de gente.
¿Qué puedo hacer?

Quiero vivir,
quiero gritar,
quiero sentir
el Universo sobre mí.
Quiero correr en libertad,
quiero llorar de felicidad.

Quiero vivir,
quiero sentir
el Universo sobre mí,
como un náufrago en el mar.
Quiero encontrar mi sitio,
sólo encontrar mi sitio.

Todos los juguetes rotos,
todos los amantes locos,
todos los zapatos de charol.
Todas las casitas de muñecas
donde celebraba fiestas
donde sólo estaba yo.

Vuelve el espíritu olvidado
del verano del amor.

Quiero vivir,
quiero gritar,
quiero sentir
el Universo sobre mí.
Quiero correr en libertad,
quiero llorar de felicidad.

Quiero vivir,
quiero sentir
el Universo sobre mí,
como un náufrago en el mar.
Quiero encontrar mi sitio,
sólo encontrar mi sitio

I always feel best when I rise with the sun.

There is something potent in waking up to the early-morning chatter of birds and squirrels and watching the sunrise with them. The God of the Sun is eager to greet you. Helios, Apollo, Ra, Lugh. By whatever name he is there without fail every day (except for those in the extreme latitudes). He is our strength. His fire fuels our daily endeavors and all life on earth is sustained by him. It is no wonder that he was the first god to be worshipped on earth by humankind.

From a bipolar perspective, keeping a diurnal internal clock is extremely healthy. Rising and setting with the sun allows our biological forms to revert to a sense of normalcy that has been ingrained in us since the dawn of time. Many bipolar people are nocturnal, and I understand that. I myself suffer from terrible insomnia from time to time. But when we can, bipolar people often find that they have “good days” more often than not when they rise in the morning and settle down in the evening.

For me, personally, I find myself growing closer and closer with Lugh. The Celtic pantheon is where my heart lies with Cernunnos and Andraste and now Lugh. I find myself growing closer as well to the Greek pantheon, specifically Hekate. Ever since the ritual I wrote about earlier, I have felt her presence in my life ever so strongly. As the goddess of the crossroads, she is calling me as I travel through a myriad of transitions in my life.

I’m sorry I haven’t written much lately. I’ve been captivated by the novel I’m writing. I do apologize and I will try to update more often from now on.

Blessed Be.

**Lyrics from "El Universo Sobre Mi" by Amaral
*Translated lyrics -

Only one candle remains
lit in the center of the cake
and it's about to go out.

The guests are leaving,
you and I look at each other
without really knowing what to say.

Nothing that could unveil what I feel:
That this day has been perfect
and I seem so happy...
Nothing like [saying] that since a long time ago
I have to force myself to smile.

I want to live,
I want to shout,
I want to feel
the Universe over me.
I want to run free,
I want to find my place.

A trick of destiny,
a fast melody
in a never-ending song.

I have had enough;
I need someone who understands
that I'm lonely in the middle of a crowd.
What can I do?

I want to live,
I want to shout,
I want to feel
the Universe over me.
I want to run free,
I want to weep for joy.

I want to live,
I want to feel
the Universe over me,
like someone shipwrecked at sea.
I want to find my place,
just to find my place.

All the broken toys,
all the crazy lovers,
all the patent leather shoes.
All the dollhouses
where I threw parties
and there was only me.

It's returning the forgotten spirit
of the summer of love.

I want to live,
I want to shout
I want to feel
the Universe over me.
I want to run free,
I want to weep for joy.

I want to live,
I want to feel
the Universe over me,
like someone shipwrecked at sea.
I want to find my place,
just to find my place.

Ninth

I invoke you, beloved Hekate of the Crossroads and the Three Ways

Saffron-cloaked Goddess of the Heavens, the Underworld and the Sea

Tomb-frequenter, mystery-raving with the souls of the dead

Daughter of Perses, Lover of the Wilderness who exults among the deer

Nightgoing One, Protectress of dogs, Unconquerable Queen

Beast-roarer, Dishevelled One of compelling countenance

Tauropolos, Keyholding Mistress of the whole world

Ruler, Nymph, Mountain-wandering Nurturer of youth.

Maiden, I beg you to be present at these sacred rites

Ever with a gladsome heart and ever gracious to the Oxherd.

Hekate. Lady of the Night, Goddess of the Crossroads.  Last week, I attended an open ritual during the traditional time to honor Hekate and to ask for her guidance and protection. The goddess of transition, she offers us gifts of enlightenment and perspective when we are at a crossroads in our lives. Physical, emotionally, whenever there is a decision to be made, Hekate is there. She is always here with us.

The ritual description stated:

On an inner level, Hekate is a guardian figure of the mysterious depths of our unconscious that accesses the collective memory of the primal void and whirling forces at the onset of creation.

Nothing is more true than this. It was never more apparent than in the ritual when we evoked her. We cast the circle, and after a brief introduction of Hekate, the priestess put a cowl over her head so we couldn’t see her face. We asked Hekate to join us.

And she did. And for a moment, I was afraid. I had never invoked a goddess to that she came to me in physical form. My legs shook, and ecstasy quaked through my body.

In the form of the priestess of the ritual, Hekate spoke to us, and told us that we could offer her things that other gods find distasteful. Fear, anger, grief. We could offer her our weaknesses and in return she would give us a gift. We must offer these gifts and never look back if we wanted to receive Hekate’s gift. As we approached the Lady of the Night, we had a choice. After giving her our offering, we could go left and choose the Mystery and see what gift Hekate had for us, or we could go right and choose the gift for 

ourselves. I don’t think anyone went right.

After selecting our gifts, we returned to our place in the circle and faced outward, away from Hekate and the altar. On the count of three, we stepped forward, taking the first step toward our future and away from the gifts we sacrificed to Hekate. As we stepped, there was the sound of a deep bell ringing, almost like a gong, but no one in the circle rang it.

It was a deep magick and I am honored Hekate came to us.

I selected to give Hekate my fear and my laziness. In return, she gave me a doorway, the propylaea, the transition. I am unsure what form this gift will take, but I can’t wait to find out.

**From this website.

**Pic from Hekate

Eighth

Down to the earth I fell
With dripping wings,
Heavy things won't fly
And the sky might catch on fire
And burn the axis of the world
That's why
I prefer a sunless sky
To the glittering and stinging in my eye

I feel so light
This is all I wanna feel tonight
I feel so light
Tonight and the rest of my life

Depression is the sinking, slow, heavy and temporary death that every bipolar person feels. It is the shutting down, the terminating of systems. When I am depressed, I cannot think, I cannot move, and I can barely breathe. Indeed, it feels like I’m dying, even while my heart continues to beat. On the other hand is mania, and unfortunately, 99% of the time I suffer from dysphoric mania. While many bipolar individuals will tell you that the highlight of their disorder is their mania, for me mania is a nightmare. I still get the high-energy, fast-talking rush but it manifests in anger and anxiety and an inescapable need to over-analyze anything and everything I’ve said in my memory.

For me, the highlight of my bipolar disorder is my mixed state. Sometimes, like a couple of weeks ago, it manifests in a high-energy depression that is literally physically painful. However, most of the time, it manifests in a reasonable, high-energy, motivated mood that is almost reminiscent of the way euphoric mania manifests. Instead, I am grounded and down to earth. It is in these moods that I really shine.

My spirituality takes flight. My mind is open and free from the poison of depression or mania or numbness of my neutral states. I can feel the Goddess with me, and I can evoke the God whenever I wish. It is my most ardent desire to learn to master my moods so that even when the chemicals in my brain rebel against me, I can still see the magick in everything, the beauty in the most common tree in the Pacific Northwest, and breathe in the essence of life that is in everything.

Everything is waves and stars
The universe is resting in my arms

**Lyrics from "Tonight and the Rest of My Life" by Nina Gordon

Seventh

Stood out in the rain.

Let it soak me down,

Before I called you...

I called you.

You did not see me there,

Hidden by the dark,

Beneath your window,

But I saw you.

When putting on a face for the mirror on the wall.

Dreaming that the looking glass is you.

Catching my fondest gazes;

Living through my fickle phases.

I love you.

Spend my time on 'phones,

Tryin' just to talk,

But you didn't answer...

You let it ring.

Spend my nights alone,

Catching fallin' stars,

To give to you, love.

They're just for you.

Stars fall every time a lover has to face the truth.

And far too many stars have fell on me.

And as they trail the skies,

And burn their paths upon my eyes,

I cry.

And it's getting easier, each day, to weep about you.

Harder, every night, to sleep without you.

How many years must I be,

Driven by this dream of love with you?

It’s been a rough couple of weeks for me. I haven’t been able to blog much. The other day, I was finally able to cast a spell for the first time in months. It was an empowerment spell, and I called on my spirit guides and patron deities to help me find the strength to learn what I need to learn to heal myself. It was an exalted form of magick that I honestly felt profound pride in myself for having been able to cast.

Still, I don’t feel as close with my patron deities as I once did. My faith is superficial lately, and I am extremely disappointed in myself for losing sight of everything that matters to me. I could whine and blame my medications, but that’s not entirely it. I have been lazy. Lazy in that I have chosen idle pursuits and pleasures over study and dedication. Lazy in that I would rather sleep in until the last moment before I get up for work or chores instead of rising with the sun and doing a morning dedication.

I am just so tired. But it should be getting better soon. I leave for Hawaii in a month, and when I return, I’ll be continuing my employment except I’ll be working from my very own home office. I am ecstatic that my company has honored me with their trust and the privilege of not having a commute into downtown Seattle. I honestly believe the decrease in my stress will bring the magick back to me every moment of my day, instead of when I must painfully extract it from the core of my soul as I did a few days ago.

**Lyrics from "Stars" by Alison Krauss and Union Station