Twenty-Fifth

Who amongst us shies away from risk? Is it cowardice or reasonableness that keeps those who keep themselves on the logical path?

Why do we take risks?

Financial gambles come in the form of investments. Should we buy that house? Should we sell our stock now or wait? In a world of buy, buy, buy, sell, sell, sell, it can be dizzying to consider our financial risks from a logical point of view. The financial landscape in the Western world is always changing. What might have seen a good purchase in the height of the housing bubble before the recession is now an underwater mortgage ruining the investment prospects of a young 30-something professional.

Even in college we take risks. Should we declare our major as freshmen and lock ourselves into that educational pursuit for the next 4-8 years? Or do we busy ourselves in the haze of prerequisites and hope inspiration for our futures comes in the form of English 101?

Nowhere else in our lives do we take the most risks and make the most dangerous bets than in love. Finding The One™ is, for many if not most of us, the primary goal of our lifetimes. To find a mate to connect with, present a united front with the one person in the world who knows you against society and all expectations the rest of us ask of you. That’s what we want, and it’s human and good to want it. Perhaps that is why we are willing to sacrifice every temporary happiness in an effort to not only find, but secure our partner for life.

As for myself, I will always choose risk. That has been my admittedly misguided M.O. for my entire life. I won’t stop now.

**Lyrics from "I See Fire" by Ed Sheeran

Thirteenth

The basic problem with my love relationships with women is that my standards are so high - and they apply equally to both of us. I seek full-blast mutual intensity, fully fledged mutual acceptance, full-blown mutual flourishing, and fully felt peace and joy with each other. This requires a level of physical attraction, personal adoration, and moral admiration that is hard to find. –Cornel West

Relationships are hard for everyone. There has never been a couple on this planet that never fought. At least once in every relationship on earth there happens an event of malcontent. A disagreement, an accidental foregone chore, an intentionally rude behavior. It is inevitable and it is necessary. Healthy relationships are not happy relationships one hundred percent of the time. Growth cannot happen without adversity. Even baby birds have to push themselves out of the egg if they ever want a hope of surviving in the big and beautiful world that awaits them. So it is with relationships. It is by getting through the little arguments that we can build the foundations to master the greatest challenges.

As a bipolar pagan, relationships are harder than ever for me. I am currently with a mentally and physically healthy Catholic man who has never suffered from the abuses that I struggled with growing up. His family is supportive and successful and never bitter or resentful. His successes are celebrated fervently, and his sorrows are shared. Indeed, his upbringing is about as far from mine as can be expected from two middle class families.

My paganism has my head in the clouds. Even while I am grounded and rooted in spellwork or meditation, my expectations for life and the world around me are never consistently met. It is this grievance that leads me to hold on to the great love of my life. I am never completely happy and I find myself daydreaming perpetually of the love I could have had. My bipolar has me irritated nearly constantly and so I place further burden on my partner because I cannot see things rationally.

Relationships are hard. I hope to one day find that balance and bliss that I have been seeking over the lifetimes. 

Seventh

Stood out in the rain.

Let it soak me down,

Before I called you...

I called you.

You did not see me there,

Hidden by the dark,

Beneath your window,

But I saw you.

When putting on a face for the mirror on the wall.

Dreaming that the looking glass is you.

Catching my fondest gazes;

Living through my fickle phases.

I love you.

Spend my time on 'phones,

Tryin' just to talk,

But you didn't answer...

You let it ring.

Spend my nights alone,

Catching fallin' stars,

To give to you, love.

They're just for you.

Stars fall every time a lover has to face the truth.

And far too many stars have fell on me.

And as they trail the skies,

And burn their paths upon my eyes,

I cry.

And it's getting easier, each day, to weep about you.

Harder, every night, to sleep without you.

How many years must I be,

Driven by this dream of love with you?

It’s been a rough couple of weeks for me. I haven’t been able to blog much. The other day, I was finally able to cast a spell for the first time in months. It was an empowerment spell, and I called on my spirit guides and patron deities to help me find the strength to learn what I need to learn to heal myself. It was an exalted form of magick that I honestly felt profound pride in myself for having been able to cast.

Still, I don’t feel as close with my patron deities as I once did. My faith is superficial lately, and I am extremely disappointed in myself for losing sight of everything that matters to me. I could whine and blame my medications, but that’s not entirely it. I have been lazy. Lazy in that I have chosen idle pursuits and pleasures over study and dedication. Lazy in that I would rather sleep in until the last moment before I get up for work or chores instead of rising with the sun and doing a morning dedication.

I am just so tired. But it should be getting better soon. I leave for Hawaii in a month, and when I return, I’ll be continuing my employment except I’ll be working from my very own home office. I am ecstatic that my company has honored me with their trust and the privilege of not having a commute into downtown Seattle. I honestly believe the decrease in my stress will bring the magick back to me every moment of my day, instead of when I must painfully extract it from the core of my soul as I did a few days ago.

**Lyrics from "Stars" by Alison Krauss and Union Station

Fourth

Some mornings I pray for evening,
For the day to be done.
Some summer days I hide away
And pray for rain to come.
It turns out hell will not be found
Within the fires below,
But in making do and muddling through
When you've nowhere else to go.

But then I remember you,
And the way you shine like truth in all you do.
And if you remembered me,
You could save me from the way I tend to be.

Some days I wake up dazed my dear,
And I don't know where I am.
I've been running now so long I'm scared
I've forgotten how to stand.
I stand alone in airport bars
And gather thoughts to think:
That if all I had was one long road
It could drive a man to drink.

Because I've said I love you so many times that the words kinda die in my mouth.
And I meant it each time with each beautiful woman but somehow it never works out.
You stood apart in my calloused heart, and you taught me and here's what I learned:
That love is about the changes you make and not just three small words.

And then I catch myself
Catching your scent on someone else
In a crowded space
And it takes me somewhere I cannot quite place.

            

There is a storm brewing tonight. The forecast called for a thunderstorm, a rare display of power and energy on this side of Washington state. The light is not quite gone, and I can see with my eyes that the clouds have gathered. Long before this moment, however, I saw and felt with my soul the prodigious energy that is waiting to be unleashed.

It is in this moment that I relate to this storm. As part of my faith and even my disorder, I have a profound relationship with nature. It is as much a part of me when I’m in my apartment as it is when I’m standing in a forest on a mountain. It immerses my soul with a wisdom I can’t quite describe. Just like the sky outside, in my soul the clouds are gathering. Deep inside of me, I am growing darker.  It is a beautiful darkness, just waiting for everything to accumulate in just the precise way it needs to in order to unleash the exquisite bursts of freedom and brilliance and light that comes with every thunderstorm. Like the booming thunder, I will burst forth and cry out in jubilation that I am free and I am loved and I am in love.

            

My patron goddess for the past year has been Andraste, the goddess of victory. I didn’t know what she had in store for me when I first met her on Imbolc of 2012. She is known as “She Who Has Not Fallen."eShe is the warrior goddess of victory, ravens, and battles. I am battle born, and I am touched by Andraste. I too, have not fallen.

As the storm gathers and the sky darkens, I see myself in that storm. The battle is not over. It has just begun. And like Andraste, I will not fall.As the storm gathers and the sky darkens, I see myself in that storm. The battle is not over. It has just begun. And like Andraste, I will not fall.

Lyrics above from "The Way I Tend to Be" by Frank Turner

Third

Oh, como quieres que te olvide 

si tu nombre está en el aire 

y sopla entre mis recuerdos 

si ya sé que no eres libre, 

si ya sé que yo no debo 

Retenerte en mi memoria 

así es como yo contemplo 

mi tormenta de tormento, 

así es como yo te quiero 

Te necesito como a la luz del sol 

en este invierno frío 

pa' darme tu calor 

te necesito como a la luz del sol 

tus ojos el abismo 

donde muere mi razón

Soulmates. Prior to age 16, I believed they were a fanciful, silly notion that couldn’t possibly exist. Throughout my emotional puberty, most of my friends suffered terrible heartache as their “soulmate” turned out to be just the other party in an adolescent flurry of hormones and emotions. Romance never worked out. My parents were divorced, as were most of my friends’ parents.

And then I met Jamie.

Jamie was a beautiful young man a few years older than me. A British man living in Spain. He was bilingual, speaking both of the languages of Cuban American heritage. He was in a relationship when we met, but soon our feelings for each other was undeniable, and he left his girlfriend to pursue a long distance relationship with me.

Over the course of 6 years, our relationship rose and receded like a tide as one or both of us had life happen and we were unable to get online. Every time we were reunited, however, it was like we never left.

Jamie endured my wrath as I struggled with my fresh diagnosis of bipolar disorder, and he talked me through my depressive states. When I had my daughter, he told me while he found the thought of becoming a stepfather rather daunting, he was eager to join me on my journey through the trials and tribulations of parenthood. He loved me unconditionally.

I repaid that faith by giving him an ultimatum. If he didn’t show up by my 22^nd birthday, we were through. Jamie never showed. I left him. I received an email from him but I never found it until three years later.

Hi,
Sorry about earlier, guess I've just been harboring some pretty shitty feelings over the last few days. I'm honestly not mad at you, and once i strip away any notion of ego and jealousy, i can honestly say although i may not FEEL happy, I AM happy for you.

Couldn't have been at a worse time really... After all this time, all this work, everything we've been through... I finally start to get myself sorted (albeit late) with plenty of well paid work ahead of me, we were so close....
Now i find myself halfway through the day, sweating, muscles burning and back aching, knowing i have to go back to work any second, but I've got nothing to work towards anymore. Guess i just gotta remember what i enjoyed before we got together.

I wish you'd believed i was still coming, but i don't blame you. I'm surprised you talked to me at all after i disappeared for so long. I guess the thing that bothers me most about all this is the fact that we didn't split from some massive difference of opinion. No rage or particular reason... You just gave up on me... and i don't say that to try and pin blame or anything on you, like i said, i can understand why, just makes me feel pretty shitty about myself.

So that's that, vented, done and dusted. Nothing else to say. I hope this doesn't upset you, i just can't handle staring at those conversation windows anymore wishing i knew what to say. At least now i can move on, and sleep at night knowing that nothing went unsaid.

I love you.

 I realized when I found that email that I was still in love with Jamie. My flurry of relationships that I’ve had, even the current relationship, nothing had the magick of the romance I shared with Jamie.

I can’t get him out of my head. Whenever I allow myself to think of him for more than a few seconds, I get struck by a crippling anxiety attack. You see, while he feels like nothing was left unsaid, it is the opposite for me. Leaving Jamie was the biggest mistake of my life.

He hasn’t received my multitude of messages. If he has, he hasn’t answered them. I am lost without him. Even if we weren’t going to pick up the romance where it left off, I need him in my life. We will be forever connected…at least until I can get some closure.

I love you, Jamie. Forever.

Translated lyrics:

Oh, how do you want me to forget you?
If your name is in the air
And blows around my memories
If I already know you’re not free,
If I already know I shouldn’t
To retain you in my mind
That’s the way I gaze at
My storm of torture, 
That’s the way I love you

I need you as sunlight
In this cold winter
To receive your warmth
I need you as sunlight
Your eyes are the abyss
Where my mind dies