Fifteenth

All day staring at the ceiling

Making friends with shadows on my wall

All night hearing voices telling me

That I should get some sleep

Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on

Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown

And I don't know why

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

I know right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me

And how I used to be

It seems that medication is a double-edged sword. The pain and confusion that comes with unmedicated mental illness is swept away with a regimen of chemicals into the brain. Unfortunately, with the symptoms also go the magic and wonder that comes with seeing the beauty in a seemingly crystal clear manic state.  Clarity is gone, hidden under the haze of medicated lethargy.

It is difficult. Creativity is stifled. I used to get awards for my writing. I used to be praised. All of my teachers in school told my parents that I would be a famous author one day. I scored a 2200 on the SAT. I am a certifiable genius. I could have joined MENSA. But every day that I pop those psychotropic drugs, the foggier my mind becomes. It is my burden. It is my curse. If I want to create and live as carefree as when I was young, I could go off of the medications. But at what cost? To lose my ability to be patient and teach my young daughter? To lose every interpersonal relationship I have? To lose the ability to work and provide for myself – an ability that is even still fought for every day with my sweat and tears?

There are no easy solutions for a bipolar person. For a pagan, it is even more painful. While we may find peace the light of the moon or with our respective deities, our spirit guides, our totem animals, our sense of duty to be good to ourselves and those things that are ours is pivotal to our spiritual development. As a Goddess worshiper, I am acutely aware of my failings as I cycle into the Mother phase of my life. I simultaneously pine for the past and my Maiden stage as I crave and hunger for the knowledge that will lead me into success as a woman in my Crone stage. There is no easy way. The sooner the bipolar pagan learns this, the better.  

When I was young, I was a wild child

Sunshine, grass stains, mud piles

Skinning my knee was a battle scar

I was afraid of monsters, but not the dark

With the dawn, I’d run so far

Exploring every secret place, every park

Today I choke and gasp for air

Seeking magick everywhere

Only duty to hold me down

I will die without a sound.

"WildChild" Copyright 2013 - Heather Rivero

**Lyrics From"Unwell" by Matchbox 20

Seventh

Stood out in the rain.

Let it soak me down,

Before I called you...

I called you.

You did not see me there,

Hidden by the dark,

Beneath your window,

But I saw you.

When putting on a face for the mirror on the wall.

Dreaming that the looking glass is you.

Catching my fondest gazes;

Living through my fickle phases.

I love you.

Spend my time on 'phones,

Tryin' just to talk,

But you didn't answer...

You let it ring.

Spend my nights alone,

Catching fallin' stars,

To give to you, love.

They're just for you.

Stars fall every time a lover has to face the truth.

And far too many stars have fell on me.

And as they trail the skies,

And burn their paths upon my eyes,

I cry.

And it's getting easier, each day, to weep about you.

Harder, every night, to sleep without you.

How many years must I be,

Driven by this dream of love with you?

It’s been a rough couple of weeks for me. I haven’t been able to blog much. The other day, I was finally able to cast a spell for the first time in months. It was an empowerment spell, and I called on my spirit guides and patron deities to help me find the strength to learn what I need to learn to heal myself. It was an exalted form of magick that I honestly felt profound pride in myself for having been able to cast.

Still, I don’t feel as close with my patron deities as I once did. My faith is superficial lately, and I am extremely disappointed in myself for losing sight of everything that matters to me. I could whine and blame my medications, but that’s not entirely it. I have been lazy. Lazy in that I have chosen idle pursuits and pleasures over study and dedication. Lazy in that I would rather sleep in until the last moment before I get up for work or chores instead of rising with the sun and doing a morning dedication.

I am just so tired. But it should be getting better soon. I leave for Hawaii in a month, and when I return, I’ll be continuing my employment except I’ll be working from my very own home office. I am ecstatic that my company has honored me with their trust and the privilege of not having a commute into downtown Seattle. I honestly believe the decrease in my stress will bring the magick back to me every moment of my day, instead of when I must painfully extract it from the core of my soul as I did a few days ago.

**Lyrics from "Stars" by Alison Krauss and Union Station

Sixth

And there were people there

Lovely as you'd ever care

Tonight, baby, you can start again

Laughing in the open air

Have yourself another dream

Tonight, maybe we can start again

Forgive me, this post may be a little convoluted.

I am back on my medications, and with the chemicals came the numbness. I don’t feel much by way of emotion right now. I am numb. I need to get back on the citalopram. This sertraline (Zoloft) is killing my personality. While I am on it, I have nothing but high anxiety, being void of any other genuine emotion.

I went to the pool today. No one else was there, so I floated on my back, with my ears in the water. With all sound muted, I gazed up at the sky. My arms were spread wide as I floated there, and I pondered the lightest shade of blue, and I begged the Goddess to come to me. To open my soul and my senses to the magick of life and the universe. To help me unlock my heart to marvel at the beauty of a soaring eagle, or a monarch butterfly. I meditated there, weightless and drifting in the water, for what felt like hours. Suddenly, I realized, that I had been gazing in wonder at all of the exquisite shades of green the setting sun created in the tall trees that surround the pool. I smiled.

It is always so refreshing to me to realize that although I need to be on constant vigil when on medications, when I can break through the chemical haze and truly, deeply, profoundly feel…I am, more than ever. I just am.

What else in this universe is more beautiful than simply being?

**Lyrics from "Only The Young" by Brandon Flowers