Fifteenth

All day staring at the ceiling

Making friends with shadows on my wall

All night hearing voices telling me

That I should get some sleep

Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on

Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown

And I don't know why

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

I know right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me

And how I used to be

It seems that medication is a double-edged sword. The pain and confusion that comes with unmedicated mental illness is swept away with a regimen of chemicals into the brain. Unfortunately, with the symptoms also go the magic and wonder that comes with seeing the beauty in a seemingly crystal clear manic state.  Clarity is gone, hidden under the haze of medicated lethargy.

It is difficult. Creativity is stifled. I used to get awards for my writing. I used to be praised. All of my teachers in school told my parents that I would be a famous author one day. I scored a 2200 on the SAT. I am a certifiable genius. I could have joined MENSA. But every day that I pop those psychotropic drugs, the foggier my mind becomes. It is my burden. It is my curse. If I want to create and live as carefree as when I was young, I could go off of the medications. But at what cost? To lose my ability to be patient and teach my young daughter? To lose every interpersonal relationship I have? To lose the ability to work and provide for myself – an ability that is even still fought for every day with my sweat and tears?

There are no easy solutions for a bipolar person. For a pagan, it is even more painful. While we may find peace the light of the moon or with our respective deities, our spirit guides, our totem animals, our sense of duty to be good to ourselves and those things that are ours is pivotal to our spiritual development. As a Goddess worshiper, I am acutely aware of my failings as I cycle into the Mother phase of my life. I simultaneously pine for the past and my Maiden stage as I crave and hunger for the knowledge that will lead me into success as a woman in my Crone stage. There is no easy way. The sooner the bipolar pagan learns this, the better.  

When I was young, I was a wild child

Sunshine, grass stains, mud piles

Skinning my knee was a battle scar

I was afraid of monsters, but not the dark

With the dawn, I’d run so far

Exploring every secret place, every park

Today I choke and gasp for air

Seeking magick everywhere

Only duty to hold me down

I will die without a sound.

"WildChild" Copyright 2013 - Heather Rivero

**Lyrics From"Unwell" by Matchbox 20

Fourteenth

Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can't tell where the journey will end
But I know where to start
They tell me I'm too young to understand
They say I'm caught up in a dream
Well life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes
Well that's fine by me

Grounding and centering is an important part of my paganism. It is the process of meditating and making sure I’m aware of where I am, and who I am, an achieving a sense of balance in my personal energy. It is an integral part of practicing magick. If you aren’t grounded and centered, your magick will be messy and unfocused.

As someone who is bipolar meditation is a fundamental necessity. Grounding helps me focus my emotions and my mood. Often, I am able to rein in a potentially disastrous episode by simple grounding. You can ground anywhere. It may take practice, but once you have a good concept of what works for you, you can do it in the restroom at work or in a crowded shopping mall.

The method that works best for me is this:

I sit on the floor, feeling the earth beneath me. I begin to imagine roots coming down my spine and through my tailbone, growing down into the earth. If I am indoors, I visualize the roots spreading through the lower floors and foundation until they reach earth. Deeper and deeper they go, through the earth’s crust and the mantle all the way through the outer core until I reach the inner core. I grow warmer and warmer the deeper I go. When I reach the core, I pull energy from the earth up into my body. Warm, white light fills me from my fingertips to my toes. I see myself growing tall like a tree. I personally view myself as a strong oak or willow tree. I am firmly rooted in the earth. I am stable. I am ancient. When the healing energy of Gaia has helped me feel secure, I push all the excess energy back down through the roots to be returned to the Earth Mother. 

You can find a good morning grounding meditation here. 



**Lyrics from Avicii's "Wake Me Up"

Thirteenth

The basic problem with my love relationships with women is that my standards are so high - and they apply equally to both of us. I seek full-blast mutual intensity, fully fledged mutual acceptance, full-blown mutual flourishing, and fully felt peace and joy with each other. This requires a level of physical attraction, personal adoration, and moral admiration that is hard to find. –Cornel West

Relationships are hard for everyone. There has never been a couple on this planet that never fought. At least once in every relationship on earth there happens an event of malcontent. A disagreement, an accidental foregone chore, an intentionally rude behavior. It is inevitable and it is necessary. Healthy relationships are not happy relationships one hundred percent of the time. Growth cannot happen without adversity. Even baby birds have to push themselves out of the egg if they ever want a hope of surviving in the big and beautiful world that awaits them. So it is with relationships. It is by getting through the little arguments that we can build the foundations to master the greatest challenges.

As a bipolar pagan, relationships are harder than ever for me. I am currently with a mentally and physically healthy Catholic man who has never suffered from the abuses that I struggled with growing up. His family is supportive and successful and never bitter or resentful. His successes are celebrated fervently, and his sorrows are shared. Indeed, his upbringing is about as far from mine as can be expected from two middle class families.

My paganism has my head in the clouds. Even while I am grounded and rooted in spellwork or meditation, my expectations for life and the world around me are never consistently met. It is this grievance that leads me to hold on to the great love of my life. I am never completely happy and I find myself daydreaming perpetually of the love I could have had. My bipolar has me irritated nearly constantly and so I place further burden on my partner because I cannot see things rationally.

Relationships are hard. I hope to one day find that balance and bliss that I have been seeking over the lifetimes. 

Tenth

Sólo queda una vela
encendida en medio de la tarta
y se quiere consumir.

Ya se van los invitados,
tú y yo nos miramos
sin saber bien qué decir.

Nada que descubra lo que siento:
Que este día fue perfecto
y parezco tan feliz...
Nada como que hace mucho tiempo
que me cuesta sonreir.

Quiero vivir,
quiero gritar,
quiero sentir
el Universo sobre mí.
Quiero correr en libertad,
quiero encontrar mi sitio.

Una broma del destino,
una melodía acelerada
en una canción que nunca acaba.

Ya he tenido suficiente;
necesito a alguien que comprenda
que estoy sola en medio de un montón de gente.
¿Qué puedo hacer?

Quiero vivir,
quiero gritar,
quiero sentir
el Universo sobre mí.
Quiero correr en libertad,
quiero llorar de felicidad.

Quiero vivir,
quiero sentir
el Universo sobre mí,
como un náufrago en el mar.
Quiero encontrar mi sitio,
sólo encontrar mi sitio.

Todos los juguetes rotos,
todos los amantes locos,
todos los zapatos de charol.
Todas las casitas de muñecas
donde celebraba fiestas
donde sólo estaba yo.

Vuelve el espíritu olvidado
del verano del amor.

Quiero vivir,
quiero gritar,
quiero sentir
el Universo sobre mí.
Quiero correr en libertad,
quiero llorar de felicidad.

Quiero vivir,
quiero sentir
el Universo sobre mí,
como un náufrago en el mar.
Quiero encontrar mi sitio,
sólo encontrar mi sitio

I always feel best when I rise with the sun.

There is something potent in waking up to the early-morning chatter of birds and squirrels and watching the sunrise with them. The God of the Sun is eager to greet you. Helios, Apollo, Ra, Lugh. By whatever name he is there without fail every day (except for those in the extreme latitudes). He is our strength. His fire fuels our daily endeavors and all life on earth is sustained by him. It is no wonder that he was the first god to be worshipped on earth by humankind.

From a bipolar perspective, keeping a diurnal internal clock is extremely healthy. Rising and setting with the sun allows our biological forms to revert to a sense of normalcy that has been ingrained in us since the dawn of time. Many bipolar people are nocturnal, and I understand that. I myself suffer from terrible insomnia from time to time. But when we can, bipolar people often find that they have “good days” more often than not when they rise in the morning and settle down in the evening.

For me, personally, I find myself growing closer and closer with Lugh. The Celtic pantheon is where my heart lies with Cernunnos and Andraste and now Lugh. I find myself growing closer as well to the Greek pantheon, specifically Hekate. Ever since the ritual I wrote about earlier, I have felt her presence in my life ever so strongly. As the goddess of the crossroads, she is calling me as I travel through a myriad of transitions in my life.

I’m sorry I haven’t written much lately. I’ve been captivated by the novel I’m writing. I do apologize and I will try to update more often from now on.

Blessed Be.

**Lyrics from "El Universo Sobre Mi" by Amaral
*Translated lyrics -

Only one candle remains
lit in the center of the cake
and it's about to go out.

The guests are leaving,
you and I look at each other
without really knowing what to say.

Nothing that could unveil what I feel:
That this day has been perfect
and I seem so happy...
Nothing like [saying] that since a long time ago
I have to force myself to smile.

I want to live,
I want to shout,
I want to feel
the Universe over me.
I want to run free,
I want to find my place.

A trick of destiny,
a fast melody
in a never-ending song.

I have had enough;
I need someone who understands
that I'm lonely in the middle of a crowd.
What can I do?

I want to live,
I want to shout,
I want to feel
the Universe over me.
I want to run free,
I want to weep for joy.

I want to live,
I want to feel
the Universe over me,
like someone shipwrecked at sea.
I want to find my place,
just to find my place.

All the broken toys,
all the crazy lovers,
all the patent leather shoes.
All the dollhouses
where I threw parties
and there was only me.

It's returning the forgotten spirit
of the summer of love.

I want to live,
I want to shout
I want to feel
the Universe over me.
I want to run free,
I want to weep for joy.

I want to live,
I want to feel
the Universe over me,
like someone shipwrecked at sea.
I want to find my place,
just to find my place.

Eighth

Down to the earth I fell
With dripping wings,
Heavy things won't fly
And the sky might catch on fire
And burn the axis of the world
That's why
I prefer a sunless sky
To the glittering and stinging in my eye

I feel so light
This is all I wanna feel tonight
I feel so light
Tonight and the rest of my life

Depression is the sinking, slow, heavy and temporary death that every bipolar person feels. It is the shutting down, the terminating of systems. When I am depressed, I cannot think, I cannot move, and I can barely breathe. Indeed, it feels like I’m dying, even while my heart continues to beat. On the other hand is mania, and unfortunately, 99% of the time I suffer from dysphoric mania. While many bipolar individuals will tell you that the highlight of their disorder is their mania, for me mania is a nightmare. I still get the high-energy, fast-talking rush but it manifests in anger and anxiety and an inescapable need to over-analyze anything and everything I’ve said in my memory.

For me, the highlight of my bipolar disorder is my mixed state. Sometimes, like a couple of weeks ago, it manifests in a high-energy depression that is literally physically painful. However, most of the time, it manifests in a reasonable, high-energy, motivated mood that is almost reminiscent of the way euphoric mania manifests. Instead, I am grounded and down to earth. It is in these moods that I really shine.

My spirituality takes flight. My mind is open and free from the poison of depression or mania or numbness of my neutral states. I can feel the Goddess with me, and I can evoke the God whenever I wish. It is my most ardent desire to learn to master my moods so that even when the chemicals in my brain rebel against me, I can still see the magick in everything, the beauty in the most common tree in the Pacific Northwest, and breathe in the essence of life that is in everything.

Everything is waves and stars
The universe is resting in my arms

**Lyrics from "Tonight and the Rest of My Life" by Nina Gordon

Fourth

Some mornings I pray for evening,
For the day to be done.
Some summer days I hide away
And pray for rain to come.
It turns out hell will not be found
Within the fires below,
But in making do and muddling through
When you've nowhere else to go.

But then I remember you,
And the way you shine like truth in all you do.
And if you remembered me,
You could save me from the way I tend to be.

Some days I wake up dazed my dear,
And I don't know where I am.
I've been running now so long I'm scared
I've forgotten how to stand.
I stand alone in airport bars
And gather thoughts to think:
That if all I had was one long road
It could drive a man to drink.

Because I've said I love you so many times that the words kinda die in my mouth.
And I meant it each time with each beautiful woman but somehow it never works out.
You stood apart in my calloused heart, and you taught me and here's what I learned:
That love is about the changes you make and not just three small words.

And then I catch myself
Catching your scent on someone else
In a crowded space
And it takes me somewhere I cannot quite place.

            

There is a storm brewing tonight. The forecast called for a thunderstorm, a rare display of power and energy on this side of Washington state. The light is not quite gone, and I can see with my eyes that the clouds have gathered. Long before this moment, however, I saw and felt with my soul the prodigious energy that is waiting to be unleashed.

It is in this moment that I relate to this storm. As part of my faith and even my disorder, I have a profound relationship with nature. It is as much a part of me when I’m in my apartment as it is when I’m standing in a forest on a mountain. It immerses my soul with a wisdom I can’t quite describe. Just like the sky outside, in my soul the clouds are gathering. Deep inside of me, I am growing darker.  It is a beautiful darkness, just waiting for everything to accumulate in just the precise way it needs to in order to unleash the exquisite bursts of freedom and brilliance and light that comes with every thunderstorm. Like the booming thunder, I will burst forth and cry out in jubilation that I am free and I am loved and I am in love.

            

My patron goddess for the past year has been Andraste, the goddess of victory. I didn’t know what she had in store for me when I first met her on Imbolc of 2012. She is known as “She Who Has Not Fallen."eShe is the warrior goddess of victory, ravens, and battles. I am battle born, and I am touched by Andraste. I too, have not fallen.

As the storm gathers and the sky darkens, I see myself in that storm. The battle is not over. It has just begun. And like Andraste, I will not fall.As the storm gathers and the sky darkens, I see myself in that storm. The battle is not over. It has just begun. And like Andraste, I will not fall.

Lyrics above from "The Way I Tend to Be" by Frank Turner

Second

If I was a bird, I could just escape   

Feel the wind flowing above the landscape   

Realities and occupations left behind   

I would fly to the highest mountains in the skyline   

Just sit and watch the world for a time   

-The Freedom of Being Lost by Dillon Nickerson

      The greatest poets throughout history have always touched upon the release that being lost can bring to a starving mind. Robert Frost gets us lost as we take a road less traveled. Unsure of where we’re going, the discovery of our destination and the journey we embarked upon the moment we made that key decision to set off a previously uncertain chain of events frees us. I think it’s safe to say that most of us find the concept of discovering ourselves through getting lost somewhere in the woods or in a foreign country inspires us.

           

      What happens when we aren’t lost in the material plane? When it is within, in the secret-sacred spaces within our souls and minds, that we find we have lost our way? When the path is unclear, destination unknown. How do we find ourselves when our strongest enemy is ourselves?

    

      For the longest time, over the last two years or so, I have been on a journey of discovery. Walking the pagan path fervently after years of hiding my faith was the first step. Over the last few months, however, I became lost. A couple of months ago, I sought direction from my closest friends. Where was the Goddess? Why could I know longer feel my patron deities and why had my spirit guides fallen silent? After awhile, I was able to find a path. I got a new job, and I set new goals for myself, and somehow, routine made manifest the person I wanted to be.

Or did it?

     Once again, I found myself in torment. What am I supposed to be doing? Is there no greater purpose for me than this? This life, this reality, the universe I created by observing it and interacting with it…is this all there is?

    

      I sought out Kristy. She is my spiritual counselor, in a way. She provides tarot and stone readings. Now, before I sound too much like a commercial, I am not being compensated for writing this. Kristy gave me a reading, and it cleared so much up for me. She told me that I needed to focus on staying grounded. I’m flying away from my life, and I need to tether myself to Gaia if I’m going to find what I’m looking for. Kristy doesn’t just do a cold reading of her client. She asks questions. She offers guidance, telling you what the oracles or your spirit animals or Gaia have to say to you. It’s an exquisite form of therapy.

            

     I am ready now. To refocus my efforts on myself, on my journey. I know what my resources are, and I now have the courage to use them. Today, I am alive.

I am alive.

If you’d like to find out more about Tarot Kristy, please visit her blog. Don't worry, it's not dead. It's just sleeping for a few days.

**Heather and Mullein is in no way advocating replacing medical health professionals with psychic services. 

First

You're up against the wall

There's something dying on the street

When they knock you down

You're gonna get back on your feet

‘Cause you can't stop now

When they break your heart

And when they cause your soul to mourn

Remember what I said:

"Girl, you was battle born.”

           

           My name is Heather. I am currently a single half-Cuban woman in her mid-twenties living in the beautiful city of Edmonds, Washington. I am a mother of one, a beautiful little girl beginning her first few years of school. I am a Capricorn Dragon living under a Birch tree. I work in a call center for a department store, I write or read nearly constantly, I  am a spiritual person, I consider myself pagan, and I am bipolar.

Bipolar disorder can develop in two different ways. Bipolar I is a disorder involving extreme mood episodes from mania to bipolar. One will rise to the peak of ecstasy, a high-energy rush of serotonin to the brain and adrenaline to the heart. One will sink into the abyssal of  tears after falling to the depths of wretchedness. An overpowering swarm of emotions that even sometimes turns into a dead sort of numbness that won't go away and that can’t be talked its way out of. Bipolar II is still an ever-changing cycle of hypo-mania and misery. Hypo-mania is a lesser form of the high-energy, high-stakes full-blown mania.

I am a Bipolar I with mixed states. Having mixed states means sometimes, not all of the time, I can have the severe mania and the despair of depression at the same time. These are not my favorite episodes to have.

I am a pagan. I am a witch. My path is always evolving and has pulled roots from Witchcraft, to Wicca (which aren't necessarily the same thing), Shamanism and Buddhism

This blog is my journey as a battle born bipolar witch. My diary, my grimoire. I will document my thoughts and feelings along the way as I struggle to find the peace my soul has been searching for over the lifetimes.

**Lyrics from "Battle Born" by the Killers.