Twentieth

This morning I woke up early, around 8:30. I have trouble sleeping through the night so I woke up several times between midnight when I went to sleep and when I finally rose for the day, most notably when the sun rose a little after five. I was dressed and ready by 10am.  I have never been a morning person, but I am beginning to be. Much like I discussed here, I think rising with the sun offers a unique perspective on the day to come and can infuse you with a special kind of energy that you’ll lack if you wake in the afternoon.

My tarot of the day was Seven of Wands. The Shadowscapes book describes the card thusly:

The Vixen faces off against a badger, while her kits watch from beneath the protective curl of her tail. The enemies circle and circle. They size each other up. A nip here to test the swiftness of reaction; a swipe to press the defenses. The vixen snarls and lunges forward, for she has her brood to protect, and she will not fail them! Fear for her kits burns in her heart. Her actions are necessity, not merely courage, and yet it is all the more courageous for being such a selfless act, without the tangle of thoughts and justifications. Her mere belief makes her fight ten times more fiercely and with a fiery strength.

The bamboo of the wands signifies strength and fortitude. Bamboo possesses a slender suppleness that sways in the winds and does not break. It grows tenaciously and sends out multitudinous shoots in all directions, the better to compete for sun and space.


The Seven of Wands represents taking a stand, defending what you believe in. The world is full of strife and stiff competition, and one must have courage in facing the difficulties that come. Do not buckle under a stiff wind, but sway like the bamboo. Seemingly insurmountable odds can be overcome with faith and courage.

My interpretation of this pull was that I need to make sure to not let anything deter me from the life I want to lead. The life I am building. I wonder if it has any implications for my disability case. I quit my job in February and applied for disability but it takes 4-6 months to get an answer. If I do not get approved initially, I have an attorney on retainer to file an appeal for me.

I went to therapy today. We discussed the letter for me to go back to school. We talked about men and who I’m interested in currently. We discussed my borderline personality and how I often feel like I’m in love far too early to be rational. To be honest, it felt as if she was mocking me as I tried to defend my love for someone. It bothers me that my penchant for falling in love easily makes people so uncomfortable. How could love be a bad thing? I’m not going to kill myself over a man, I’m not going to stalk him, I’m not going to have a breakdown if it doesn't work out. Honestly.

I wonder what is waiting for me tomorrow. 

First

You're up against the wall

There's something dying on the street

When they knock you down

You're gonna get back on your feet

‘Cause you can't stop now

When they break your heart

And when they cause your soul to mourn

Remember what I said:

"Girl, you was battle born.”

           

           My name is Heather. I am currently a single half-Cuban woman in her mid-twenties living in the beautiful city of Edmonds, Washington. I am a mother of one, a beautiful little girl beginning her first few years of school. I am a Capricorn Dragon living under a Birch tree. I work in a call center for a department store, I write or read nearly constantly, I  am a spiritual person, I consider myself pagan, and I am bipolar.

Bipolar disorder can develop in two different ways. Bipolar I is a disorder involving extreme mood episodes from mania to bipolar. One will rise to the peak of ecstasy, a high-energy rush of serotonin to the brain and adrenaline to the heart. One will sink into the abyssal of  tears after falling to the depths of wretchedness. An overpowering swarm of emotions that even sometimes turns into a dead sort of numbness that won't go away and that can’t be talked its way out of. Bipolar II is still an ever-changing cycle of hypo-mania and misery. Hypo-mania is a lesser form of the high-energy, high-stakes full-blown mania.

I am a Bipolar I with mixed states. Having mixed states means sometimes, not all of the time, I can have the severe mania and the despair of depression at the same time. These are not my favorite episodes to have.

I am a pagan. I am a witch. My path is always evolving and has pulled roots from Witchcraft, to Wicca (which aren't necessarily the same thing), Shamanism and Buddhism

This blog is my journey as a battle born bipolar witch. My diary, my grimoire. I will document my thoughts and feelings along the way as I struggle to find the peace my soul has been searching for over the lifetimes.

**Lyrics from "Battle Born" by the Killers.