Eighth

Down to the earth I fell
With dripping wings,
Heavy things won't fly
And the sky might catch on fire
And burn the axis of the world
That's why
I prefer a sunless sky
To the glittering and stinging in my eye

I feel so light
This is all I wanna feel tonight
I feel so light
Tonight and the rest of my life

Depression is the sinking, slow, heavy and temporary death that every bipolar person feels. It is the shutting down, the terminating of systems. When I am depressed, I cannot think, I cannot move, and I can barely breathe. Indeed, it feels like I’m dying, even while my heart continues to beat. On the other hand is mania, and unfortunately, 99% of the time I suffer from dysphoric mania. While many bipolar individuals will tell you that the highlight of their disorder is their mania, for me mania is a nightmare. I still get the high-energy, fast-talking rush but it manifests in anger and anxiety and an inescapable need to over-analyze anything and everything I’ve said in my memory.

For me, the highlight of my bipolar disorder is my mixed state. Sometimes, like a couple of weeks ago, it manifests in a high-energy depression that is literally physically painful. However, most of the time, it manifests in a reasonable, high-energy, motivated mood that is almost reminiscent of the way euphoric mania manifests. Instead, I am grounded and down to earth. It is in these moods that I really shine.

My spirituality takes flight. My mind is open and free from the poison of depression or mania or numbness of my neutral states. I can feel the Goddess with me, and I can evoke the God whenever I wish. It is my most ardent desire to learn to master my moods so that even when the chemicals in my brain rebel against me, I can still see the magick in everything, the beauty in the most common tree in the Pacific Northwest, and breathe in the essence of life that is in everything.

Everything is waves and stars
The universe is resting in my arms

**Lyrics from "Tonight and the Rest of My Life" by Nina Gordon

Fourth

Some mornings I pray for evening,
For the day to be done.
Some summer days I hide away
And pray for rain to come.
It turns out hell will not be found
Within the fires below,
But in making do and muddling through
When you've nowhere else to go.

But then I remember you,
And the way you shine like truth in all you do.
And if you remembered me,
You could save me from the way I tend to be.

Some days I wake up dazed my dear,
And I don't know where I am.
I've been running now so long I'm scared
I've forgotten how to stand.
I stand alone in airport bars
And gather thoughts to think:
That if all I had was one long road
It could drive a man to drink.

Because I've said I love you so many times that the words kinda die in my mouth.
And I meant it each time with each beautiful woman but somehow it never works out.
You stood apart in my calloused heart, and you taught me and here's what I learned:
That love is about the changes you make and not just three small words.

And then I catch myself
Catching your scent on someone else
In a crowded space
And it takes me somewhere I cannot quite place.

            

There is a storm brewing tonight. The forecast called for a thunderstorm, a rare display of power and energy on this side of Washington state. The light is not quite gone, and I can see with my eyes that the clouds have gathered. Long before this moment, however, I saw and felt with my soul the prodigious energy that is waiting to be unleashed.

It is in this moment that I relate to this storm. As part of my faith and even my disorder, I have a profound relationship with nature. It is as much a part of me when I’m in my apartment as it is when I’m standing in a forest on a mountain. It immerses my soul with a wisdom I can’t quite describe. Just like the sky outside, in my soul the clouds are gathering. Deep inside of me, I am growing darker.  It is a beautiful darkness, just waiting for everything to accumulate in just the precise way it needs to in order to unleash the exquisite bursts of freedom and brilliance and light that comes with every thunderstorm. Like the booming thunder, I will burst forth and cry out in jubilation that I am free and I am loved and I am in love.

            

My patron goddess for the past year has been Andraste, the goddess of victory. I didn’t know what she had in store for me when I first met her on Imbolc of 2012. She is known as “She Who Has Not Fallen."eShe is the warrior goddess of victory, ravens, and battles. I am battle born, and I am touched by Andraste. I too, have not fallen.

As the storm gathers and the sky darkens, I see myself in that storm. The battle is not over. It has just begun. And like Andraste, I will not fall.As the storm gathers and the sky darkens, I see myself in that storm. The battle is not over. It has just begun. And like Andraste, I will not fall.

Lyrics above from "The Way I Tend to Be" by Frank Turner

First

You're up against the wall

There's something dying on the street

When they knock you down

You're gonna get back on your feet

‘Cause you can't stop now

When they break your heart

And when they cause your soul to mourn

Remember what I said:

"Girl, you was battle born.”

           

           My name is Heather. I am currently a single half-Cuban woman in her mid-twenties living in the beautiful city of Edmonds, Washington. I am a mother of one, a beautiful little girl beginning her first few years of school. I am a Capricorn Dragon living under a Birch tree. I work in a call center for a department store, I write or read nearly constantly, I  am a spiritual person, I consider myself pagan, and I am bipolar.

Bipolar disorder can develop in two different ways. Bipolar I is a disorder involving extreme mood episodes from mania to bipolar. One will rise to the peak of ecstasy, a high-energy rush of serotonin to the brain and adrenaline to the heart. One will sink into the abyssal of  tears after falling to the depths of wretchedness. An overpowering swarm of emotions that even sometimes turns into a dead sort of numbness that won't go away and that can’t be talked its way out of. Bipolar II is still an ever-changing cycle of hypo-mania and misery. Hypo-mania is a lesser form of the high-energy, high-stakes full-blown mania.

I am a Bipolar I with mixed states. Having mixed states means sometimes, not all of the time, I can have the severe mania and the despair of depression at the same time. These are not my favorite episodes to have.

I am a pagan. I am a witch. My path is always evolving and has pulled roots from Witchcraft, to Wicca (which aren't necessarily the same thing), Shamanism and Buddhism

This blog is my journey as a battle born bipolar witch. My diary, my grimoire. I will document my thoughts and feelings along the way as I struggle to find the peace my soul has been searching for over the lifetimes.

**Lyrics from "Battle Born" by the Killers.