Twenty-Second

I don’t really know
How to trust the gentleman
That come a’calling
 Sometimes I can feel
My heartbeat dying along
With my melting mind
 I am always sad
Sometimes I feel like dying
But I am still here
 I found that I am
Always going to be weird
And that is okay

What a mess the past few days have been. On Sunday, my brother and mother and I took my daughter, Momo, to the zoo. It was fun, although my family made it clear that they think I’m stupid as hell. The following exchange happened:

Me: Do animals get periods? Where does the blood go? Does it just drip down their legs?

Mom: Bleed and lick! Bleed and lick!

Bro: What animal were you thinking of?

Me: Oh, a li-

Bro (interrupting): Because if you were thinking of an animal that lays eggs I would have been really disappointed.

Mom: She’s thinking of reptiles.

In truth, I was thinking of lions.

______________________

Sunday night, Momo’s father came into town. He was staying with me. He took the bed with Momo while I slept on the couch. He stayed with me until Wednesday morning, when he left with Momo at 4:30am.

The whole time he was in town, my mind was completely hazy. I am unsure if it’s the empathy that comes with having severe mental illness or his energy, but his energy was beating mine into submission. I was overwhelmed by his disdain. He is a soft spoken man, but he also is the biggest jerk I’ve ever known. He continued to insult my parenting, my home, my pets, and me. He kept implying that what we had wasn’t real and he never actually even liked me too. I have no feelings for the man, but that was cruel to deny that the union that produced our little princess was beautiful.

I have been feeling highly spiritual today. I am rather excited.  I will be finding my patron deities by Sunday, and I will fill you in then on who my patrons are, what message they have for me, and info about each God/dess.

Twenty-first.

I don't feel like much today. Wednesday night I only got four hours of sleep. I napped throughout the day, but I felt like shit most of the day. Last night I took 100mg of Trazodone, and I slept for twelve hours. I needed it. But even though I've only been awake nine and a half hours as of the time of writing this post, I am exhausted already.

I cleaned my kitchen (somewhat) and vacuumed my living room. I did a few loads of laundry. I don't know why I'm so tired. I barely did anything.

I downloaded Spotify today. I love Pandora, but I wanted to be able to make my own playlist, so I switched. At least for when these mood strikes me and I have to create the perfect ambience.

I want to play video games and listen to music and write and create for days straight, but I have a party to attend tomorrow. Alas. Tomorrow will be a good day, right? Can I create routine? Can I finish my novel? I feel like I'm suffocating.

Twentieth

This morning I woke up early, around 8:30. I have trouble sleeping through the night so I woke up several times between midnight when I went to sleep and when I finally rose for the day, most notably when the sun rose a little after five. I was dressed and ready by 10am.  I have never been a morning person, but I am beginning to be. Much like I discussed here, I think rising with the sun offers a unique perspective on the day to come and can infuse you with a special kind of energy that you’ll lack if you wake in the afternoon.

My tarot of the day was Seven of Wands. The Shadowscapes book describes the card thusly:

The Vixen faces off against a badger, while her kits watch from beneath the protective curl of her tail. The enemies circle and circle. They size each other up. A nip here to test the swiftness of reaction; a swipe to press the defenses. The vixen snarls and lunges forward, for she has her brood to protect, and she will not fail them! Fear for her kits burns in her heart. Her actions are necessity, not merely courage, and yet it is all the more courageous for being such a selfless act, without the tangle of thoughts and justifications. Her mere belief makes her fight ten times more fiercely and with a fiery strength.

The bamboo of the wands signifies strength and fortitude. Bamboo possesses a slender suppleness that sways in the winds and does not break. It grows tenaciously and sends out multitudinous shoots in all directions, the better to compete for sun and space.


The Seven of Wands represents taking a stand, defending what you believe in. The world is full of strife and stiff competition, and one must have courage in facing the difficulties that come. Do not buckle under a stiff wind, but sway like the bamboo. Seemingly insurmountable odds can be overcome with faith and courage.

My interpretation of this pull was that I need to make sure to not let anything deter me from the life I want to lead. The life I am building. I wonder if it has any implications for my disability case. I quit my job in February and applied for disability but it takes 4-6 months to get an answer. If I do not get approved initially, I have an attorney on retainer to file an appeal for me.

I went to therapy today. We discussed the letter for me to go back to school. We talked about men and who I’m interested in currently. We discussed my borderline personality and how I often feel like I’m in love far too early to be rational. To be honest, it felt as if she was mocking me as I tried to defend my love for someone. It bothers me that my penchant for falling in love easily makes people so uncomfortable. How could love be a bad thing? I’m not going to kill myself over a man, I’m not going to stalk him, I’m not going to have a breakdown if it doesn't work out. Honestly.

I wonder what is waiting for me tomorrow. 

Nineteenth

bring back those good ol' days
nothing feels right
nothing ever goes my way
I threw my future away
now I walk alone
out here in the cold
wandering astray
where is my future?

I'm gonna need a home
you'd expect the same
now wouldn't you?
wouldn't you?

your journey back to birth is haunting you
haunting you

your departure from the earth is haunting you
haunting you

only those who accept
will find that acceptance in return
we have been trimmed down like hedges
and told just to sit
and wilt
and spit at each other from a distance
there is constant resistance from you

I'm gonna need a home
you'd expect the same
now wouldn't you?
wouldn't you?

it's been 10 years strong
that's much too long
it's time to do something good for my health
it's time to do something good for myself
I've wasted all of this time

I don’t know how I’ve let so much time pass before updating. I suppose I needed a break, to figure out where I’m going. I’m not entirely sure yet, but I have a better idea than I did five months ago. It’s a part of growing up, I guess, to be able to see and differentiate between what works for you and what doesn’t.

Physically, I have started Copaxone injections for my confirmed Multiple Sclerosis. I inject myself every day with 20mg syringes. My neurologist wanted to start me on the 40mg thrice-weekly regimen, but my insurance wouldn’t cover it. It isn’t the most pleasant sensation as the injection site aches and itches for ten minutes afterward, but that’s alright. The price for physical peace, am I right?

Romantically, my boyfriend and I broke up. We were together almost 4 years. It’s a huge shift in lifestyles. I had grown accustomed to his company and his house and his XBOX. I care for him very much, but we just had too much to work on individually. I had needs that he was not meeting and I’m sure he had needs I wasn’t meeting. I am not single and ready to mingle now, however. There is something else I’m focusing on.

Academically, I am working on getting a letter from my therapist to submit to the school so that I can go back to school in the fall. I do not work, so I am sure that I can concentrate. Schoolwork and my novel will my entire life. I doubt I’ll have much of a social life.  I’m going to contact the lender of my student loans to make sure I’m not in default when I apply as well.

Spiritually, I am at a crossroads. Science and reality and everything that has to do with them have been my religions. I still crave a connection with a higher power, but I haven’t believed in one for a long time. I am a member of several atheist groups. Still, in my secret moments when I’m alone, I ache for the comfort I felt when I was in the arms of the Goddess. I am trying to get back into my spirituality. As long as it isn’t the New Age propaganda that assigns miracles to coincidences, I can reconcile my two passions. I believe that magick is scientific. I am sure that one day science will be able to prove it. And then it won’t be magick anymore, it’ll be a new conversation with the universe in which mankind forgot to participate.

Heather and Mullein will be a daily exercise before I go to bed from this post on. I will still have themes, but I will be using this blog as a diary. Full disclosure when possible, but a lot of boring details regarding my diet or exercise or other mundane activities. This is my effort to track my progress through my eloquence and topic matter. 

Lyrics from: "Bug Eyes" by Dredg