Sixth

And there were people there

Lovely as you'd ever care

Tonight, baby, you can start again

Laughing in the open air

Have yourself another dream

Tonight, maybe we can start again

Forgive me, this post may be a little convoluted.

I am back on my medications, and with the chemicals came the numbness. I don’t feel much by way of emotion right now. I am numb. I need to get back on the citalopram. This sertraline (Zoloft) is killing my personality. While I am on it, I have nothing but high anxiety, being void of any other genuine emotion.

I went to the pool today. No one else was there, so I floated on my back, with my ears in the water. With all sound muted, I gazed up at the sky. My arms were spread wide as I floated there, and I pondered the lightest shade of blue, and I begged the Goddess to come to me. To open my soul and my senses to the magick of life and the universe. To help me unlock my heart to marvel at the beauty of a soaring eagle, or a monarch butterfly. I meditated there, weightless and drifting in the water, for what felt like hours. Suddenly, I realized, that I had been gazing in wonder at all of the exquisite shades of green the setting sun created in the tall trees that surround the pool. I smiled.

It is always so refreshing to me to realize that although I need to be on constant vigil when on medications, when I can break through the chemical haze and truly, deeply, profoundly feel…I am, more than ever. I just am.

What else in this universe is more beautiful than simply being?

**Lyrics from "Only The Young" by Brandon Flowers

Fifth

Over rock and chain

Over sunset plain

Over trap and snare

When you're in too deep

In your wildest dream

In your made up scheme

When they knock you down

When they knock you down

Don't break character

You've got so much heart

Is this real or just a dream?

Oh Rise up like the sun

And labor till the work is 

Rise up like the sun

Labor till the work is done

This hasn’t been the greatest week for me, or month for that matter. I haven’t been able to work in the past three weeks because I’ve been so sick. I am completely broke. I haven’t made the wisest choices financially lately, and so I am probably going to be overdrafted in a few days. I need to get my shit together.

I was off of my medications for five days because I left them at my apartment while I stayed with my boyfriend for a few days. I need to stop doing that.

I haven’t been in a spiritual state of mind. I acknowledged the full moon, and greeted Her. “Hello, Lady Luna” I said. This happens when I’m off my meds. I can’t see the magick in anything. I can’t feel my spirit guides, God, Goddess, nothing. My flesh doesn’t tingle with ecstasy as I marvel at the vastness of the sky or at the perfect profiles of the trees against the open spaces.

I received a preliminary diagnosis yesterday of Multiple Sclerosis and also a tumor on my pituitary gland. I am shocked. I thought maybe my bipolar was making me be an attention whore drama queen. I was the only person who was taking my symptoms seriously. I suppose I feel validated by the diagnosis but at the same time – I am extremely worried. It is hard enough to get through the day after dealing with my bipolar disorder, but to have such a heavy physical diagnosis to deal with as well…Well. I suppose my strength will be tested.

And even though I don’t feel Her right now, I know Goddess is with me.

**Lyrics from "Be Still" by The Killers

Fourth

Some mornings I pray for evening,
For the day to be done.
Some summer days I hide away
And pray for rain to come.
It turns out hell will not be found
Within the fires below,
But in making do and muddling through
When you've nowhere else to go.

But then I remember you,
And the way you shine like truth in all you do.
And if you remembered me,
You could save me from the way I tend to be.

Some days I wake up dazed my dear,
And I don't know where I am.
I've been running now so long I'm scared
I've forgotten how to stand.
I stand alone in airport bars
And gather thoughts to think:
That if all I had was one long road
It could drive a man to drink.

Because I've said I love you so many times that the words kinda die in my mouth.
And I meant it each time with each beautiful woman but somehow it never works out.
You stood apart in my calloused heart, and you taught me and here's what I learned:
That love is about the changes you make and not just three small words.

And then I catch myself
Catching your scent on someone else
In a crowded space
And it takes me somewhere I cannot quite place.

            

There is a storm brewing tonight. The forecast called for a thunderstorm, a rare display of power and energy on this side of Washington state. The light is not quite gone, and I can see with my eyes that the clouds have gathered. Long before this moment, however, I saw and felt with my soul the prodigious energy that is waiting to be unleashed.

It is in this moment that I relate to this storm. As part of my faith and even my disorder, I have a profound relationship with nature. It is as much a part of me when I’m in my apartment as it is when I’m standing in a forest on a mountain. It immerses my soul with a wisdom I can’t quite describe. Just like the sky outside, in my soul the clouds are gathering. Deep inside of me, I am growing darker.  It is a beautiful darkness, just waiting for everything to accumulate in just the precise way it needs to in order to unleash the exquisite bursts of freedom and brilliance and light that comes with every thunderstorm. Like the booming thunder, I will burst forth and cry out in jubilation that I am free and I am loved and I am in love.

            

My patron goddess for the past year has been Andraste, the goddess of victory. I didn’t know what she had in store for me when I first met her on Imbolc of 2012. She is known as “She Who Has Not Fallen."eShe is the warrior goddess of victory, ravens, and battles. I am battle born, and I am touched by Andraste. I too, have not fallen.

As the storm gathers and the sky darkens, I see myself in that storm. The battle is not over. It has just begun. And like Andraste, I will not fall.As the storm gathers and the sky darkens, I see myself in that storm. The battle is not over. It has just begun. And like Andraste, I will not fall.

Lyrics above from "The Way I Tend to Be" by Frank Turner

Third

Oh, como quieres que te olvide 

si tu nombre está en el aire 

y sopla entre mis recuerdos 

si ya sé que no eres libre, 

si ya sé que yo no debo 

Retenerte en mi memoria 

así es como yo contemplo 

mi tormenta de tormento, 

así es como yo te quiero 

Te necesito como a la luz del sol 

en este invierno frío 

pa' darme tu calor 

te necesito como a la luz del sol 

tus ojos el abismo 

donde muere mi razón

Soulmates. Prior to age 16, I believed they were a fanciful, silly notion that couldn’t possibly exist. Throughout my emotional puberty, most of my friends suffered terrible heartache as their “soulmate” turned out to be just the other party in an adolescent flurry of hormones and emotions. Romance never worked out. My parents were divorced, as were most of my friends’ parents.

And then I met Jamie.

Jamie was a beautiful young man a few years older than me. A British man living in Spain. He was bilingual, speaking both of the languages of Cuban American heritage. He was in a relationship when we met, but soon our feelings for each other was undeniable, and he left his girlfriend to pursue a long distance relationship with me.

Over the course of 6 years, our relationship rose and receded like a tide as one or both of us had life happen and we were unable to get online. Every time we were reunited, however, it was like we never left.

Jamie endured my wrath as I struggled with my fresh diagnosis of bipolar disorder, and he talked me through my depressive states. When I had my daughter, he told me while he found the thought of becoming a stepfather rather daunting, he was eager to join me on my journey through the trials and tribulations of parenthood. He loved me unconditionally.

I repaid that faith by giving him an ultimatum. If he didn’t show up by my 22^nd birthday, we were through. Jamie never showed. I left him. I received an email from him but I never found it until three years later.

Hi,
Sorry about earlier, guess I've just been harboring some pretty shitty feelings over the last few days. I'm honestly not mad at you, and once i strip away any notion of ego and jealousy, i can honestly say although i may not FEEL happy, I AM happy for you.

Couldn't have been at a worse time really... After all this time, all this work, everything we've been through... I finally start to get myself sorted (albeit late) with plenty of well paid work ahead of me, we were so close....
Now i find myself halfway through the day, sweating, muscles burning and back aching, knowing i have to go back to work any second, but I've got nothing to work towards anymore. Guess i just gotta remember what i enjoyed before we got together.

I wish you'd believed i was still coming, but i don't blame you. I'm surprised you talked to me at all after i disappeared for so long. I guess the thing that bothers me most about all this is the fact that we didn't split from some massive difference of opinion. No rage or particular reason... You just gave up on me... and i don't say that to try and pin blame or anything on you, like i said, i can understand why, just makes me feel pretty shitty about myself.

So that's that, vented, done and dusted. Nothing else to say. I hope this doesn't upset you, i just can't handle staring at those conversation windows anymore wishing i knew what to say. At least now i can move on, and sleep at night knowing that nothing went unsaid.

I love you.

 I realized when I found that email that I was still in love with Jamie. My flurry of relationships that I’ve had, even the current relationship, nothing had the magick of the romance I shared with Jamie.

I can’t get him out of my head. Whenever I allow myself to think of him for more than a few seconds, I get struck by a crippling anxiety attack. You see, while he feels like nothing was left unsaid, it is the opposite for me. Leaving Jamie was the biggest mistake of my life.

He hasn’t received my multitude of messages. If he has, he hasn’t answered them. I am lost without him. Even if we weren’t going to pick up the romance where it left off, I need him in my life. We will be forever connected…at least until I can get some closure.

I love you, Jamie. Forever.

Translated lyrics:

Oh, how do you want me to forget you?
If your name is in the air
And blows around my memories
If I already know you’re not free,
If I already know I shouldn’t
To retain you in my mind
That’s the way I gaze at
My storm of torture, 
That’s the way I love you

I need you as sunlight
In this cold winter
To receive your warmth
I need you as sunlight
Your eyes are the abyss
Where my mind dies

Second

If I was a bird, I could just escape   

Feel the wind flowing above the landscape   

Realities and occupations left behind   

I would fly to the highest mountains in the skyline   

Just sit and watch the world for a time   

-The Freedom of Being Lost by Dillon Nickerson

      The greatest poets throughout history have always touched upon the release that being lost can bring to a starving mind. Robert Frost gets us lost as we take a road less traveled. Unsure of where we’re going, the discovery of our destination and the journey we embarked upon the moment we made that key decision to set off a previously uncertain chain of events frees us. I think it’s safe to say that most of us find the concept of discovering ourselves through getting lost somewhere in the woods or in a foreign country inspires us.

           

      What happens when we aren’t lost in the material plane? When it is within, in the secret-sacred spaces within our souls and minds, that we find we have lost our way? When the path is unclear, destination unknown. How do we find ourselves when our strongest enemy is ourselves?

    

      For the longest time, over the last two years or so, I have been on a journey of discovery. Walking the pagan path fervently after years of hiding my faith was the first step. Over the last few months, however, I became lost. A couple of months ago, I sought direction from my closest friends. Where was the Goddess? Why could I know longer feel my patron deities and why had my spirit guides fallen silent? After awhile, I was able to find a path. I got a new job, and I set new goals for myself, and somehow, routine made manifest the person I wanted to be.

Or did it?

     Once again, I found myself in torment. What am I supposed to be doing? Is there no greater purpose for me than this? This life, this reality, the universe I created by observing it and interacting with it…is this all there is?

    

      I sought out Kristy. She is my spiritual counselor, in a way. She provides tarot and stone readings. Now, before I sound too much like a commercial, I am not being compensated for writing this. Kristy gave me a reading, and it cleared so much up for me. She told me that I needed to focus on staying grounded. I’m flying away from my life, and I need to tether myself to Gaia if I’m going to find what I’m looking for. Kristy doesn’t just do a cold reading of her client. She asks questions. She offers guidance, telling you what the oracles or your spirit animals or Gaia have to say to you. It’s an exquisite form of therapy.

            

     I am ready now. To refocus my efforts on myself, on my journey. I know what my resources are, and I now have the courage to use them. Today, I am alive.

I am alive.

If you’d like to find out more about Tarot Kristy, please visit her blog. Don't worry, it's not dead. It's just sleeping for a few days.

**Heather and Mullein is in no way advocating replacing medical health professionals with psychic services. 

First

You're up against the wall

There's something dying on the street

When they knock you down

You're gonna get back on your feet

‘Cause you can't stop now

When they break your heart

And when they cause your soul to mourn

Remember what I said:

"Girl, you was battle born.”

           

           My name is Heather. I am currently a single half-Cuban woman in her mid-twenties living in the beautiful city of Edmonds, Washington. I am a mother of one, a beautiful little girl beginning her first few years of school. I am a Capricorn Dragon living under a Birch tree. I work in a call center for a department store, I write or read nearly constantly, I  am a spiritual person, I consider myself pagan, and I am bipolar.

Bipolar disorder can develop in two different ways. Bipolar I is a disorder involving extreme mood episodes from mania to bipolar. One will rise to the peak of ecstasy, a high-energy rush of serotonin to the brain and adrenaline to the heart. One will sink into the abyssal of  tears after falling to the depths of wretchedness. An overpowering swarm of emotions that even sometimes turns into a dead sort of numbness that won't go away and that can’t be talked its way out of. Bipolar II is still an ever-changing cycle of hypo-mania and misery. Hypo-mania is a lesser form of the high-energy, high-stakes full-blown mania.

I am a Bipolar I with mixed states. Having mixed states means sometimes, not all of the time, I can have the severe mania and the despair of depression at the same time. These are not my favorite episodes to have.

I am a pagan. I am a witch. My path is always evolving and has pulled roots from Witchcraft, to Wicca (which aren't necessarily the same thing), Shamanism and Buddhism

This blog is my journey as a battle born bipolar witch. My diary, my grimoire. I will document my thoughts and feelings along the way as I struggle to find the peace my soul has been searching for over the lifetimes.

**Lyrics from "Battle Born" by the Killers.