Third

Oh, como quieres que te olvide 

si tu nombre está en el aire 

y sopla entre mis recuerdos 

si ya sé que no eres libre, 

si ya sé que yo no debo 

Retenerte en mi memoria 

así es como yo contemplo 

mi tormenta de tormento, 

así es como yo te quiero 

Te necesito como a la luz del sol 

en este invierno frío 

pa' darme tu calor 

te necesito como a la luz del sol 

tus ojos el abismo 

donde muere mi razón

Soulmates. Prior to age 16, I believed they were a fanciful, silly notion that couldn’t possibly exist. Throughout my emotional puberty, most of my friends suffered terrible heartache as their “soulmate” turned out to be just the other party in an adolescent flurry of hormones and emotions. Romance never worked out. My parents were divorced, as were most of my friends’ parents.

And then I met Jamie.

Jamie was a beautiful young man a few years older than me. A British man living in Spain. He was bilingual, speaking both of the languages of Cuban American heritage. He was in a relationship when we met, but soon our feelings for each other was undeniable, and he left his girlfriend to pursue a long distance relationship with me.

Over the course of 6 years, our relationship rose and receded like a tide as one or both of us had life happen and we were unable to get online. Every time we were reunited, however, it was like we never left.

Jamie endured my wrath as I struggled with my fresh diagnosis of bipolar disorder, and he talked me through my depressive states. When I had my daughter, he told me while he found the thought of becoming a stepfather rather daunting, he was eager to join me on my journey through the trials and tribulations of parenthood. He loved me unconditionally.

I repaid that faith by giving him an ultimatum. If he didn’t show up by my 22^nd birthday, we were through. Jamie never showed. I left him. I received an email from him but I never found it until three years later.

Hi,
Sorry about earlier, guess I've just been harboring some pretty shitty feelings over the last few days. I'm honestly not mad at you, and once i strip away any notion of ego and jealousy, i can honestly say although i may not FEEL happy, I AM happy for you.

Couldn't have been at a worse time really... After all this time, all this work, everything we've been through... I finally start to get myself sorted (albeit late) with plenty of well paid work ahead of me, we were so close....
Now i find myself halfway through the day, sweating, muscles burning and back aching, knowing i have to go back to work any second, but I've got nothing to work towards anymore. Guess i just gotta remember what i enjoyed before we got together.

I wish you'd believed i was still coming, but i don't blame you. I'm surprised you talked to me at all after i disappeared for so long. I guess the thing that bothers me most about all this is the fact that we didn't split from some massive difference of opinion. No rage or particular reason... You just gave up on me... and i don't say that to try and pin blame or anything on you, like i said, i can understand why, just makes me feel pretty shitty about myself.

So that's that, vented, done and dusted. Nothing else to say. I hope this doesn't upset you, i just can't handle staring at those conversation windows anymore wishing i knew what to say. At least now i can move on, and sleep at night knowing that nothing went unsaid.

I love you.

 I realized when I found that email that I was still in love with Jamie. My flurry of relationships that I’ve had, even the current relationship, nothing had the magick of the romance I shared with Jamie.

I can’t get him out of my head. Whenever I allow myself to think of him for more than a few seconds, I get struck by a crippling anxiety attack. You see, while he feels like nothing was left unsaid, it is the opposite for me. Leaving Jamie was the biggest mistake of my life.

He hasn’t received my multitude of messages. If he has, he hasn’t answered them. I am lost without him. Even if we weren’t going to pick up the romance where it left off, I need him in my life. We will be forever connected…at least until I can get some closure.

I love you, Jamie. Forever.

Translated lyrics:

Oh, how do you want me to forget you?
If your name is in the air
And blows around my memories
If I already know you’re not free,
If I already know I shouldn’t
To retain you in my mind
That’s the way I gaze at
My storm of torture, 
That’s the way I love you

I need you as sunlight
In this cold winter
To receive your warmth
I need you as sunlight
Your eyes are the abyss
Where my mind dies