Fourth

Some mornings I pray for evening,
For the day to be done.
Some summer days I hide away
And pray for rain to come.
It turns out hell will not be found
Within the fires below,
But in making do and muddling through
When you've nowhere else to go.

But then I remember you,
And the way you shine like truth in all you do.
And if you remembered me,
You could save me from the way I tend to be.

Some days I wake up dazed my dear,
And I don't know where I am.
I've been running now so long I'm scared
I've forgotten how to stand.
I stand alone in airport bars
And gather thoughts to think:
That if all I had was one long road
It could drive a man to drink.

Because I've said I love you so many times that the words kinda die in my mouth.
And I meant it each time with each beautiful woman but somehow it never works out.
You stood apart in my calloused heart, and you taught me and here's what I learned:
That love is about the changes you make and not just three small words.

And then I catch myself
Catching your scent on someone else
In a crowded space
And it takes me somewhere I cannot quite place.

            

There is a storm brewing tonight. The forecast called for a thunderstorm, a rare display of power and energy on this side of Washington state. The light is not quite gone, and I can see with my eyes that the clouds have gathered. Long before this moment, however, I saw and felt with my soul the prodigious energy that is waiting to be unleashed.

It is in this moment that I relate to this storm. As part of my faith and even my disorder, I have a profound relationship with nature. It is as much a part of me when I’m in my apartment as it is when I’m standing in a forest on a mountain. It immerses my soul with a wisdom I can’t quite describe. Just like the sky outside, in my soul the clouds are gathering. Deep inside of me, I am growing darker.  It is a beautiful darkness, just waiting for everything to accumulate in just the precise way it needs to in order to unleash the exquisite bursts of freedom and brilliance and light that comes with every thunderstorm. Like the booming thunder, I will burst forth and cry out in jubilation that I am free and I am loved and I am in love.

            

My patron goddess for the past year has been Andraste, the goddess of victory. I didn’t know what she had in store for me when I first met her on Imbolc of 2012. She is known as “She Who Has Not Fallen."eShe is the warrior goddess of victory, ravens, and battles. I am battle born, and I am touched by Andraste. I too, have not fallen.

As the storm gathers and the sky darkens, I see myself in that storm. The battle is not over. It has just begun. And like Andraste, I will not fall.As the storm gathers and the sky darkens, I see myself in that storm. The battle is not over. It has just begun. And like Andraste, I will not fall.

Lyrics above from "The Way I Tend to Be" by Frank Turner