Thirty-Second

This is yet another stream of consciousness post. It has been several weeks since my last post but I have felt either too tired, too busy, or too distracted to come up with a topic. I have chronic fatigue as a symptom of my fibromyalgia and multiple sclerosis and I can’t seem to shake it. I have to start going to the gym. I know it will make me tired, but if I’m healthier, I hope my illnesses will go into remission. I am just so sick. And I hate it. I can’t be the wife James’ deserves, the mother Momo deserves, the human my cats deserve while I feel this way. In other news, I got married. I am so very happy. I wish I could say that I had a beautiful wedding, and I did have a beautiful marriage ceremony, but money is a factor and so we opted for a courthouse wedding.

I am so bored and so tired. I want to nap, but I know I have to stay awake. I wish I didn’t though. Maybe just a short nap.

I have started going to church. The LDS church. I don’t really believe in it, but I want to. I believe in a lot more of the witchcraft path than anything else. But mostly, I am an atheist. As much as I want to believe in Deity, I just can’t ignore scientific facts that seem to support the theory that there is no intelligent design. I fully believe in evolution. I suppose I could subscribe to the theory that I used to hold. That in the beginning of eternity, there was the Masculine and the Feminine. The joining of these two forces created the universes, and the repetitions of time immemorial. These masculine and feminine principles manifest in God and the Goddess and the “different” deities worshipped throughout time were mere facets of those two principles. They wrote the universe in physics and math and science so science does not prove that they don’t exist, it merely explains the way the universe is.

I just don’t know. I want to know. I want to believe in something. Because I surely don’t believe in myself.

Nineteenth

bring back those good ol' days
nothing feels right
nothing ever goes my way
I threw my future away
now I walk alone
out here in the cold
wandering astray
where is my future?

I'm gonna need a home
you'd expect the same
now wouldn't you?
wouldn't you?

your journey back to birth is haunting you
haunting you

your departure from the earth is haunting you
haunting you

only those who accept
will find that acceptance in return
we have been trimmed down like hedges
and told just to sit
and wilt
and spit at each other from a distance
there is constant resistance from you

I'm gonna need a home
you'd expect the same
now wouldn't you?
wouldn't you?

it's been 10 years strong
that's much too long
it's time to do something good for my health
it's time to do something good for myself
I've wasted all of this time

I don’t know how I’ve let so much time pass before updating. I suppose I needed a break, to figure out where I’m going. I’m not entirely sure yet, but I have a better idea than I did five months ago. It’s a part of growing up, I guess, to be able to see and differentiate between what works for you and what doesn’t.

Physically, I have started Copaxone injections for my confirmed Multiple Sclerosis. I inject myself every day with 20mg syringes. My neurologist wanted to start me on the 40mg thrice-weekly regimen, but my insurance wouldn’t cover it. It isn’t the most pleasant sensation as the injection site aches and itches for ten minutes afterward, but that’s alright. The price for physical peace, am I right?

Romantically, my boyfriend and I broke up. We were together almost 4 years. It’s a huge shift in lifestyles. I had grown accustomed to his company and his house and his XBOX. I care for him very much, but we just had too much to work on individually. I had needs that he was not meeting and I’m sure he had needs I wasn’t meeting. I am not single and ready to mingle now, however. There is something else I’m focusing on.

Academically, I am working on getting a letter from my therapist to submit to the school so that I can go back to school in the fall. I do not work, so I am sure that I can concentrate. Schoolwork and my novel will my entire life. I doubt I’ll have much of a social life.  I’m going to contact the lender of my student loans to make sure I’m not in default when I apply as well.

Spiritually, I am at a crossroads. Science and reality and everything that has to do with them have been my religions. I still crave a connection with a higher power, but I haven’t believed in one for a long time. I am a member of several atheist groups. Still, in my secret moments when I’m alone, I ache for the comfort I felt when I was in the arms of the Goddess. I am trying to get back into my spirituality. As long as it isn’t the New Age propaganda that assigns miracles to coincidences, I can reconcile my two passions. I believe that magick is scientific. I am sure that one day science will be able to prove it. And then it won’t be magick anymore, it’ll be a new conversation with the universe in which mankind forgot to participate.

Heather and Mullein will be a daily exercise before I go to bed from this post on. I will still have themes, but I will be using this blog as a diary. Full disclosure when possible, but a lot of boring details regarding my diet or exercise or other mundane activities. This is my effort to track my progress through my eloquence and topic matter. 

Lyrics from: "Bug Eyes" by Dredg

Fifth

Over rock and chain

Over sunset plain

Over trap and snare

When you're in too deep

In your wildest dream

In your made up scheme

When they knock you down

When they knock you down

Don't break character

You've got so much heart

Is this real or just a dream?

Oh Rise up like the sun

And labor till the work is 

Rise up like the sun

Labor till the work is done

This hasn’t been the greatest week for me, or month for that matter. I haven’t been able to work in the past three weeks because I’ve been so sick. I am completely broke. I haven’t made the wisest choices financially lately, and so I am probably going to be overdrafted in a few days. I need to get my shit together.

I was off of my medications for five days because I left them at my apartment while I stayed with my boyfriend for a few days. I need to stop doing that.

I haven’t been in a spiritual state of mind. I acknowledged the full moon, and greeted Her. “Hello, Lady Luna” I said. This happens when I’m off my meds. I can’t see the magick in anything. I can’t feel my spirit guides, God, Goddess, nothing. My flesh doesn’t tingle with ecstasy as I marvel at the vastness of the sky or at the perfect profiles of the trees against the open spaces.

I received a preliminary diagnosis yesterday of Multiple Sclerosis and also a tumor on my pituitary gland. I am shocked. I thought maybe my bipolar was making me be an attention whore drama queen. I was the only person who was taking my symptoms seriously. I suppose I feel validated by the diagnosis but at the same time – I am extremely worried. It is hard enough to get through the day after dealing with my bipolar disorder, but to have such a heavy physical diagnosis to deal with as well…Well. I suppose my strength will be tested.

And even though I don’t feel Her right now, I know Goddess is with me.

**Lyrics from "Be Still" by The Killers