Nineteenth

bring back those good ol' days
nothing feels right
nothing ever goes my way
I threw my future away
now I walk alone
out here in the cold
wandering astray
where is my future?

I'm gonna need a home
you'd expect the same
now wouldn't you?
wouldn't you?

your journey back to birth is haunting you
haunting you

your departure from the earth is haunting you
haunting you

only those who accept
will find that acceptance in return
we have been trimmed down like hedges
and told just to sit
and wilt
and spit at each other from a distance
there is constant resistance from you

I'm gonna need a home
you'd expect the same
now wouldn't you?
wouldn't you?

it's been 10 years strong
that's much too long
it's time to do something good for my health
it's time to do something good for myself
I've wasted all of this time

I don’t know how I’ve let so much time pass before updating. I suppose I needed a break, to figure out where I’m going. I’m not entirely sure yet, but I have a better idea than I did five months ago. It’s a part of growing up, I guess, to be able to see and differentiate between what works for you and what doesn’t.

Physically, I have started Copaxone injections for my confirmed Multiple Sclerosis. I inject myself every day with 20mg syringes. My neurologist wanted to start me on the 40mg thrice-weekly regimen, but my insurance wouldn’t cover it. It isn’t the most pleasant sensation as the injection site aches and itches for ten minutes afterward, but that’s alright. The price for physical peace, am I right?

Romantically, my boyfriend and I broke up. We were together almost 4 years. It’s a huge shift in lifestyles. I had grown accustomed to his company and his house and his XBOX. I care for him very much, but we just had too much to work on individually. I had needs that he was not meeting and I’m sure he had needs I wasn’t meeting. I am not single and ready to mingle now, however. There is something else I’m focusing on.

Academically, I am working on getting a letter from my therapist to submit to the school so that I can go back to school in the fall. I do not work, so I am sure that I can concentrate. Schoolwork and my novel will my entire life. I doubt I’ll have much of a social life.  I’m going to contact the lender of my student loans to make sure I’m not in default when I apply as well.

Spiritually, I am at a crossroads. Science and reality and everything that has to do with them have been my religions. I still crave a connection with a higher power, but I haven’t believed in one for a long time. I am a member of several atheist groups. Still, in my secret moments when I’m alone, I ache for the comfort I felt when I was in the arms of the Goddess. I am trying to get back into my spirituality. As long as it isn’t the New Age propaganda that assigns miracles to coincidences, I can reconcile my two passions. I believe that magick is scientific. I am sure that one day science will be able to prove it. And then it won’t be magick anymore, it’ll be a new conversation with the universe in which mankind forgot to participate.

Heather and Mullein will be a daily exercise before I go to bed from this post on. I will still have themes, but I will be using this blog as a diary. Full disclosure when possible, but a lot of boring details regarding my diet or exercise or other mundane activities. This is my effort to track my progress through my eloquence and topic matter. 

Lyrics from: "Bug Eyes" by Dredg