Eighteenth

It’s really difficult for me to write this. As you know, I haven’t written a post in a while, and the reason for that is I just haven’t been inspired. I don’t feel the pull of the Goddess anymore, and I’ve been increasingly judgmental of other pagans. I believe in science and I also believe in magick, but the thing is…not every weird occurrence is the result of actions by the fae or spirits or anything. When you get angry and then the wind blows, you aren’t controlling the weather. There is such a thing as coincidence. And it blows my mind that so many pagans by into the whole thing of 

“I’m sixteen, I can control the weather. I’m also empathic and I am very intuitive.” Of course you are, intuitive and empathic people are drawn to paganism.

I guess I just don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to be the kind, soft-hearted person I always admire, but I’m just not. There is a lot of bitterness in my soul, and I don’t know how to be rid of it. For Manifest, I did a releasing ritual and while it helped, I think the scars on my heart are there to stay.

I am in love. The person I love is emotionally distant from me, and my encouragement and enthusiasm to make things work with him I think is driving him further away. Meanwhile I’m having money woes and work place woes and I’m trying to get on disability and I don’t have a car and I don’t know what to do. And all the while this bitterness in my heart at my own failings to function as an adult, that I have bipolar disorder, that I have borderline personality disorder, that I’m physically sick and that no one ever stays with me is breaking my heart.

A close friend recently abandoned me. She said I’ve changed. I haven’t. I think she thinks that you can only be friends with someone who likes the same things as you do. People who are exactly like you. But that would be so boring. I loved her like a sister, and she abandoned me.

It’s like that song from Phantom of the Opera, the movie, the song by Minnie Driver.

Child of the wilderness
Born into emptiness
Learn to be lonely
Learn to find your way in darkness

Who will be there for you
Comfort and care for you
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion

Never dreamed out in the world
There are arms to hold you
You've always known your heart was on its own

So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness
Learn to be lonely
Learn how to love life that is lived alone

Learn to be lonely
Life can be lived, life can be loved alone