Twenty-Eighth

In the movie “The Frog Prince” from Cannon Movie Tales, the Frog places Princess Zora in front of the mirror and says, “If you look long enough, you’ll see how other people see you.” Like Zora, I have received conflicting messages from those around me for my entire life. I’ve been told I’m kind, sweet, beautiful on the inside and out by most of my peers. My family has said the same things to me, although most of the time they turn around and tell me the opposite whenever they are annoyed with me. Men have had no trouble using my body to receive pleasure although I assume they never quite found me attractive enough to want to commit.

While I have the most trouble with my body, my perception of my personality is also distorted. My bipolar disorder and my borderline personality disorder have resulted in some pretty unsavory traits. I am a bona fide attention whore, and I will go to any lengths to get it when I feel like I am not getting enough from those around me.  I am also a liar. Ironically, I rarely lie on the internet. I instead use the safety of the internet’s anonymity to reveal the distasteful truths about myself and my philosophies. However, in the “real world,” I lie so easily that I often don’t realize I was dishonest until I reflect back upon my encounters throughout the day.  I adopt new personalities so easily, I imagine that is where my identity crisis stems from. I don’t know who I am or what I believe.  Like Marina and the Diamonds says, “I’ve lived a lot of different lives,been different people many times….Got different people inside my head. I wonderwhich one that they like best?”

It is so refreshing for me to meet people with a secure understanding of who they are and where they are going. I crave those interactions with people that help me see what I desperately desire. A sense of identity. To know that it is possible for me to become Heather, to be the best person I can be without having to shift personalities so often.

Maybe, like Zora, I will someday believe that I am ravishing, scrumptious, and exquisite.

Eleventh

If you should find romance
Go on and take that chance
Before the strategies begin

Deadlines and commitments
Every morning
And in the evening
They can suck you in
Boy, don't I know it

This offer would be standing
All you've got to do is call
Don't be afraid to knock on the door

If you should fall upon hard times
If you should lose your way
There is a place
Here in this house
That you can stay

I am a Reiki practitioner. I received my certifications around six or seven months ago. I practice on myself and on family members, but I had never actually received Reiki from anyone else before. Today, I took a chance and I took an offer from a dear friend of mine to be her first client in her Wellness Clinic she wants to start for holistic healing. She, too, is a Reiki healer.

I laid down on her table and she placed a lavender scented pillow over my eyes. I closed my eyes.

I trust in Shae completely, and I knew I was in good hands. When she began by putting her hands on either side of my head, cupping my skull in a way, magick happened. I don’t know what it was, but it was like Mary Poppins was in my brain, putting the chemicals and nerves back, rebuilding the myelin sheaths. Tidying up the place. I could see it. After a few minutes she placed her hands over my head and I saw light. My eyes were not open and the pillow hadn’t moved, but I saw light dancing across my vision as pure and as bright as morning. Her healing light continued to wash over me as she healed me. She chose to do some light energy healing as well, moving my energy around where it needed to be. Finally, she finished the session with music healing. She played a haunting, beautiful melody on her Native American flute.

The key thing about today is while she healed my head, I came to a sudden realization. I am whole. I am beautiful. I am strong. I am powerful. I may have physical and mental illnesses and a load of painful memories, but my soul is strong and whole. I am not broken. The only thing that was broken about me before was my ability to see myself for who I really am.

I am Heather. I am.

 Blessed Be.

**Lyrics from "Deadlines and Commitments" by The Killers

Second

If I was a bird, I could just escape   

Feel the wind flowing above the landscape   

Realities and occupations left behind   

I would fly to the highest mountains in the skyline   

Just sit and watch the world for a time   

-The Freedom of Being Lost by Dillon Nickerson

      The greatest poets throughout history have always touched upon the release that being lost can bring to a starving mind. Robert Frost gets us lost as we take a road less traveled. Unsure of where we’re going, the discovery of our destination and the journey we embarked upon the moment we made that key decision to set off a previously uncertain chain of events frees us. I think it’s safe to say that most of us find the concept of discovering ourselves through getting lost somewhere in the woods or in a foreign country inspires us.

           

      What happens when we aren’t lost in the material plane? When it is within, in the secret-sacred spaces within our souls and minds, that we find we have lost our way? When the path is unclear, destination unknown. How do we find ourselves when our strongest enemy is ourselves?

    

      For the longest time, over the last two years or so, I have been on a journey of discovery. Walking the pagan path fervently after years of hiding my faith was the first step. Over the last few months, however, I became lost. A couple of months ago, I sought direction from my closest friends. Where was the Goddess? Why could I know longer feel my patron deities and why had my spirit guides fallen silent? After awhile, I was able to find a path. I got a new job, and I set new goals for myself, and somehow, routine made manifest the person I wanted to be.

Or did it?

     Once again, I found myself in torment. What am I supposed to be doing? Is there no greater purpose for me than this? This life, this reality, the universe I created by observing it and interacting with it…is this all there is?

    

      I sought out Kristy. She is my spiritual counselor, in a way. She provides tarot and stone readings. Now, before I sound too much like a commercial, I am not being compensated for writing this. Kristy gave me a reading, and it cleared so much up for me. She told me that I needed to focus on staying grounded. I’m flying away from my life, and I need to tether myself to Gaia if I’m going to find what I’m looking for. Kristy doesn’t just do a cold reading of her client. She asks questions. She offers guidance, telling you what the oracles or your spirit animals or Gaia have to say to you. It’s an exquisite form of therapy.

            

     I am ready now. To refocus my efforts on myself, on my journey. I know what my resources are, and I now have the courage to use them. Today, I am alive.

I am alive.

If you’d like to find out more about Tarot Kristy, please visit her blog. Don't worry, it's not dead. It's just sleeping for a few days.

**Heather and Mullein is in no way advocating replacing medical health professionals with psychic services.