Thirtieth

It is a very curious thing to be conscious of one’s own bliss.

Time slows down and I’m aware solely of the soul-flight of rapturous delight that elevates me into hyper-awareness. Perhaps it is the stark contrast of the sheer radiance of happiness with the persistent darkness within my life that allows me to recall it so vividly. Compared to the dysphoric mania that I experience as a result of my bipolar disorder, those particular blissful moments are unadulterated euphoria.

Some people with bipolar disorder experience euphoric “highs” when they are manic. Every second is a high-energy rush and they feel they are invincible. They often engage in high-risk activities when experiencing their brand of mania – sexual promiscuity, reckless driving, gambling, etc. On the other hand, I experience dysphoric mania which is characterized by the same high levels of energy, but that energy manifests as anxiety, racing thoughts, and despair. It is physically painful to endure. My heart races, my mind won’t shut up, and I want to die.

Nine times out of ten, my bliss washes upon me because of one of three things.

The people in my life – my daughter, my lover, my friends
Reading – losing myself in a different world, a different reality
Writing – my blog, my novel, my poetry
 

Those three things are my lifelines. My escapes from a world that is usually so much darker than I perceive I can handle. At least, in my shadowed moments, I feel I cannot endure. But I always do. I am always risen again. Like a phoenix, like the Christ, like the flowers that bloom with the dawn, I always rise.

Eighth

Down to the earth I fell
With dripping wings,
Heavy things won't fly
And the sky might catch on fire
And burn the axis of the world
That's why
I prefer a sunless sky
To the glittering and stinging in my eye

I feel so light
This is all I wanna feel tonight
I feel so light
Tonight and the rest of my life

Depression is the sinking, slow, heavy and temporary death that every bipolar person feels. It is the shutting down, the terminating of systems. When I am depressed, I cannot think, I cannot move, and I can barely breathe. Indeed, it feels like I’m dying, even while my heart continues to beat. On the other hand is mania, and unfortunately, 99% of the time I suffer from dysphoric mania. While many bipolar individuals will tell you that the highlight of their disorder is their mania, for me mania is a nightmare. I still get the high-energy, fast-talking rush but it manifests in anger and anxiety and an inescapable need to over-analyze anything and everything I’ve said in my memory.

For me, the highlight of my bipolar disorder is my mixed state. Sometimes, like a couple of weeks ago, it manifests in a high-energy depression that is literally physically painful. However, most of the time, it manifests in a reasonable, high-energy, motivated mood that is almost reminiscent of the way euphoric mania manifests. Instead, I am grounded and down to earth. It is in these moods that I really shine.

My spirituality takes flight. My mind is open and free from the poison of depression or mania or numbness of my neutral states. I can feel the Goddess with me, and I can evoke the God whenever I wish. It is my most ardent desire to learn to master my moods so that even when the chemicals in my brain rebel against me, I can still see the magick in everything, the beauty in the most common tree in the Pacific Northwest, and breathe in the essence of life that is in everything.

Everything is waves and stars
The universe is resting in my arms

**Lyrics from "Tonight and the Rest of My Life" by Nina Gordon