Fifteenth

All day staring at the ceiling

Making friends with shadows on my wall

All night hearing voices telling me

That I should get some sleep

Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on

Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown

And I don't know why

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

I know right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me

And how I used to be

It seems that medication is a double-edged sword. The pain and confusion that comes with unmedicated mental illness is swept away with a regimen of chemicals into the brain. Unfortunately, with the symptoms also go the magic and wonder that comes with seeing the beauty in a seemingly crystal clear manic state.  Clarity is gone, hidden under the haze of medicated lethargy.

It is difficult. Creativity is stifled. I used to get awards for my writing. I used to be praised. All of my teachers in school told my parents that I would be a famous author one day. I scored a 2200 on the SAT. I am a certifiable genius. I could have joined MENSA. But every day that I pop those psychotropic drugs, the foggier my mind becomes. It is my burden. It is my curse. If I want to create and live as carefree as when I was young, I could go off of the medications. But at what cost? To lose my ability to be patient and teach my young daughter? To lose every interpersonal relationship I have? To lose the ability to work and provide for myself – an ability that is even still fought for every day with my sweat and tears?

There are no easy solutions for a bipolar person. For a pagan, it is even more painful. While we may find peace the light of the moon or with our respective deities, our spirit guides, our totem animals, our sense of duty to be good to ourselves and those things that are ours is pivotal to our spiritual development. As a Goddess worshiper, I am acutely aware of my failings as I cycle into the Mother phase of my life. I simultaneously pine for the past and my Maiden stage as I crave and hunger for the knowledge that will lead me into success as a woman in my Crone stage. There is no easy way. The sooner the bipolar pagan learns this, the better.  

When I was young, I was a wild child

Sunshine, grass stains, mud piles

Skinning my knee was a battle scar

I was afraid of monsters, but not the dark

With the dawn, I’d run so far

Exploring every secret place, every park

Today I choke and gasp for air

Seeking magick everywhere

Only duty to hold me down

I will die without a sound.

"WildChild" Copyright 2013 - Heather Rivero

**Lyrics From"Unwell" by Matchbox 20

Fourteenth

Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can't tell where the journey will end
But I know where to start
They tell me I'm too young to understand
They say I'm caught up in a dream
Well life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes
Well that's fine by me

Grounding and centering is an important part of my paganism. It is the process of meditating and making sure I’m aware of where I am, and who I am, an achieving a sense of balance in my personal energy. It is an integral part of practicing magick. If you aren’t grounded and centered, your magick will be messy and unfocused.

As someone who is bipolar meditation is a fundamental necessity. Grounding helps me focus my emotions and my mood. Often, I am able to rein in a potentially disastrous episode by simple grounding. You can ground anywhere. It may take practice, but once you have a good concept of what works for you, you can do it in the restroom at work or in a crowded shopping mall.

The method that works best for me is this:

I sit on the floor, feeling the earth beneath me. I begin to imagine roots coming down my spine and through my tailbone, growing down into the earth. If I am indoors, I visualize the roots spreading through the lower floors and foundation until they reach earth. Deeper and deeper they go, through the earth’s crust and the mantle all the way through the outer core until I reach the inner core. I grow warmer and warmer the deeper I go. When I reach the core, I pull energy from the earth up into my body. Warm, white light fills me from my fingertips to my toes. I see myself growing tall like a tree. I personally view myself as a strong oak or willow tree. I am firmly rooted in the earth. I am stable. I am ancient. When the healing energy of Gaia has helped me feel secure, I push all the excess energy back down through the roots to be returned to the Earth Mother. 

You can find a good morning grounding meditation here. 



**Lyrics from Avicii's "Wake Me Up"

Thirteenth

The basic problem with my love relationships with women is that my standards are so high - and they apply equally to both of us. I seek full-blast mutual intensity, fully fledged mutual acceptance, full-blown mutual flourishing, and fully felt peace and joy with each other. This requires a level of physical attraction, personal adoration, and moral admiration that is hard to find. –Cornel West

Relationships are hard for everyone. There has never been a couple on this planet that never fought. At least once in every relationship on earth there happens an event of malcontent. A disagreement, an accidental foregone chore, an intentionally rude behavior. It is inevitable and it is necessary. Healthy relationships are not happy relationships one hundred percent of the time. Growth cannot happen without adversity. Even baby birds have to push themselves out of the egg if they ever want a hope of surviving in the big and beautiful world that awaits them. So it is with relationships. It is by getting through the little arguments that we can build the foundations to master the greatest challenges.

As a bipolar pagan, relationships are harder than ever for me. I am currently with a mentally and physically healthy Catholic man who has never suffered from the abuses that I struggled with growing up. His family is supportive and successful and never bitter or resentful. His successes are celebrated fervently, and his sorrows are shared. Indeed, his upbringing is about as far from mine as can be expected from two middle class families.

My paganism has my head in the clouds. Even while I am grounded and rooted in spellwork or meditation, my expectations for life and the world around me are never consistently met. It is this grievance that leads me to hold on to the great love of my life. I am never completely happy and I find myself daydreaming perpetually of the love I could have had. My bipolar has me irritated nearly constantly and so I place further burden on my partner because I cannot see things rationally.

Relationships are hard. I hope to one day find that balance and bliss that I have been seeking over the lifetimes. 

Tenth

Sólo queda una vela
encendida en medio de la tarta
y se quiere consumir.

Ya se van los invitados,
tú y yo nos miramos
sin saber bien qué decir.

Nada que descubra lo que siento:
Que este día fue perfecto
y parezco tan feliz...
Nada como que hace mucho tiempo
que me cuesta sonreir.

Quiero vivir,
quiero gritar,
quiero sentir
el Universo sobre mí.
Quiero correr en libertad,
quiero encontrar mi sitio.

Una broma del destino,
una melodía acelerada
en una canción que nunca acaba.

Ya he tenido suficiente;
necesito a alguien que comprenda
que estoy sola en medio de un montón de gente.
¿Qué puedo hacer?

Quiero vivir,
quiero gritar,
quiero sentir
el Universo sobre mí.
Quiero correr en libertad,
quiero llorar de felicidad.

Quiero vivir,
quiero sentir
el Universo sobre mí,
como un náufrago en el mar.
Quiero encontrar mi sitio,
sólo encontrar mi sitio.

Todos los juguetes rotos,
todos los amantes locos,
todos los zapatos de charol.
Todas las casitas de muñecas
donde celebraba fiestas
donde sólo estaba yo.

Vuelve el espíritu olvidado
del verano del amor.

Quiero vivir,
quiero gritar,
quiero sentir
el Universo sobre mí.
Quiero correr en libertad,
quiero llorar de felicidad.

Quiero vivir,
quiero sentir
el Universo sobre mí,
como un náufrago en el mar.
Quiero encontrar mi sitio,
sólo encontrar mi sitio

I always feel best when I rise with the sun.

There is something potent in waking up to the early-morning chatter of birds and squirrels and watching the sunrise with them. The God of the Sun is eager to greet you. Helios, Apollo, Ra, Lugh. By whatever name he is there without fail every day (except for those in the extreme latitudes). He is our strength. His fire fuels our daily endeavors and all life on earth is sustained by him. It is no wonder that he was the first god to be worshipped on earth by humankind.

From a bipolar perspective, keeping a diurnal internal clock is extremely healthy. Rising and setting with the sun allows our biological forms to revert to a sense of normalcy that has been ingrained in us since the dawn of time. Many bipolar people are nocturnal, and I understand that. I myself suffer from terrible insomnia from time to time. But when we can, bipolar people often find that they have “good days” more often than not when they rise in the morning and settle down in the evening.

For me, personally, I find myself growing closer and closer with Lugh. The Celtic pantheon is where my heart lies with Cernunnos and Andraste and now Lugh. I find myself growing closer as well to the Greek pantheon, specifically Hekate. Ever since the ritual I wrote about earlier, I have felt her presence in my life ever so strongly. As the goddess of the crossroads, she is calling me as I travel through a myriad of transitions in my life.

I’m sorry I haven’t written much lately. I’ve been captivated by the novel I’m writing. I do apologize and I will try to update more often from now on.

Blessed Be.

**Lyrics from "El Universo Sobre Mi" by Amaral
*Translated lyrics -

Only one candle remains
lit in the center of the cake
and it's about to go out.

The guests are leaving,
you and I look at each other
without really knowing what to say.

Nothing that could unveil what I feel:
That this day has been perfect
and I seem so happy...
Nothing like [saying] that since a long time ago
I have to force myself to smile.

I want to live,
I want to shout,
I want to feel
the Universe over me.
I want to run free,
I want to find my place.

A trick of destiny,
a fast melody
in a never-ending song.

I have had enough;
I need someone who understands
that I'm lonely in the middle of a crowd.
What can I do?

I want to live,
I want to shout,
I want to feel
the Universe over me.
I want to run free,
I want to weep for joy.

I want to live,
I want to feel
the Universe over me,
like someone shipwrecked at sea.
I want to find my place,
just to find my place.

All the broken toys,
all the crazy lovers,
all the patent leather shoes.
All the dollhouses
where I threw parties
and there was only me.

It's returning the forgotten spirit
of the summer of love.

I want to live,
I want to shout
I want to feel
the Universe over me.
I want to run free,
I want to weep for joy.

I want to live,
I want to feel
the Universe over me,
like someone shipwrecked at sea.
I want to find my place,
just to find my place.