Thirty-First - Stream of Consciousness

This is a stream of consciousness post. I am trying to write because I am on a self-appointed deadline and I want to finish my books early so I can perhaps publish them early but I don't know if it's possible. With my fiance moving in, my daughter moving back in with me, I will be heavily distracted. If James gets a job during the hours that my daughter is at school, I will perhaps have six hours to myself to create but will that be enough? I am a skilled enough typist but the problem is arisen where my mind is not as quick, not as sharp as it used to be and I wonder if I have enough brainpower to manifest a story, the poetry, the short stories, as quickly as I created the first three chapters of my novel. I am doing my best, but I am succumbing to doubt. Am I an author? Will my product be good enough? Will people buy it? What is my motivation for writing? I've wanted to be an author ever since I was little. I thrived when it was writing time. I feel blessed that I was enrolled in schools that encouraged creativity, imagination, and innovation. I hope I can achieve my dreams. I cannot imagine the joy I will feel as I publish my books. I will officially be an author when that happens. No one will be able to tell me different. I will be create my own destiny. I only wonder if I have the strength. 

Post-traumatic stress disorder and mental conditioning thrust upon me by other parties, namely my family, have crippled me. Am I intelligent? Everyone says so. Even my detractors have always told me I'm smart. It's funny how some people claim I'm manipulative and successful at getting people to do what I want, but I am also stupid. That makes no sense. It takes some sort of cunning to manipulate people, and while I know I possess some small part of it, I have no desire to manipulate people. I want people to want me - my company, my body, my friendship. If I have to manipulate them into giving that desire to me, I no longer have value for the relationship. It's really very simple. I just need to get all these racing thoughts out of my head. 

I despise bipolar disorder. I take my medications faithfully and I do my best to surround myself with peace and calm, but sometimes the manic episodes sneak in and I can't shut up my mind. I wish my novel flowed as easily as this post is flowing. But I am so self conscious about how the end product will be received that I second guess every word I write. What am I to do? I suppose I could turn to my Ativan, but I really don't want to abuse it. I just need something stronger. It is when I am like this that I fear my future. Notice how I went from declaring my destiny as my own to create to fearing my destiny as if it's out of my control. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. 

Twenty-Ninth

Hello! It's time again for Velvet Verbosity's 100 word story prompt of the week! This week, my story is titled Sarah.

Be kind.

Sarah knelt in the mud, but didn’t feel the puddle seep into her uniform. She was focused. “There, see the tracks? It looks like something was dragged into that tunnel.” She gestured with her gun at the maintenance tunnel off the boardwalk in the park. She rose. 

She led her team of investigators to the humble, grey chasm. With her flashlight in one hand and her gun in the other, she approached. Her light fell upon the black spaces between ligaments. Whatever was left of Molly Stevens, it wasn’t enough to make a positive identification.  Another find for Sarah Cooper.

Twenty-Seventh

I am going to complete my mid-year review here. I am taking part in a wonderful year-long workshop called Manifest. I introduced you to it here at the end of 2013. It has been an inspiration to me throughout 2014 thus far, and I have been more productive and more intuitive than I have ever been. I credit Jessica and the wonderful women I’ve met in the workshop for at least a hefty percentage of my new productivity.

Let us begin.

1.    In the beginning of 2014, I said I wanted to amplify and create time for my writing. At the beginning of the year, I began my novel in earnest. It is now 5 chapters long and I will be finished by the end of the year, if all goes well. I also have ideas for two poetry books. I have started the first: a book of poetry with no set theme or meter. The second book will be erotic poetry. I hope to finish all three by the end of the year, but realistically only one project will be completed.

2.    At the beginning of 2014, I made some goals. The first was to finish my book. Still working on that one. The second was to become more spiritual. I have become more spiritual but it is in a way that will alienate me from nearly everyone from everywhere on the spiritual spectrum, so I will keep it secret, personal, and sacred. For now, anyway.

3.    My word of the year was Divinity. I separated from it and became a hardcore atheist for a few months, but I think it was necessary to shed me of all the preconceptions I had as a pagan and Goddess worshiper. I have a better idea of who I am, what I DO believe, and what virtues I want to manifest in my life now because of my foray into skepticism.

4.    I am still living my mission statement. I need to write a new one that demonstrates the values in my vision board I created recently.

5.    I separated from my crystal and animal guides for most of the year for the reasons in #3. I feel drawn to reconnect with Ametrine and Brown Bear once again.

6.    I wanted to bring peace and love and spirituality into my life. I feel I have accomplished this, although I know it will be a lifelong pursuit. As a bipolar borderline personality, I struggle to feel such emotions and sensations just as a matter of fact. But I have endeavored to know myself and to know others and to see the soul of every person who crosses my path.

7.    Maya Angelou defined success as:  “Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.” I think she said it best. I think I am enormously successful if you take into account where I’ve been in my life, where I’m going, and where I’m at.

8.    I am a writer.

I have 400 followers on Twitter and growing by 50 followers a day.

My career has taken off in ways I never anticipated.

I have friends, real friends.

9.    Heather, I love you. Eternally You, Heather.

10.  I need to stay focused on writing. I need to examine my resolve and create as much of a routine as a right-brained creative can have and stick to it. I need to take responsibility for my actions and make sure I’m reaping the benefits of my decisions rather than suffering the consequences.

My Vision board:

Twenty-Fourth

As I've been lacking in inspiration for both my novel and my blog (and I sincerely apologize for that, you guys, you know I do) I have decided that on days I cannot come up with a topic or theme I will complete a short story prompt for you to enjoy.

I found a weekly 100 word challenge at Velvet Verbosity. Every week, she chooses a theme and challenges writers to write a 100 word story for it. This week's theme was Whistling.

Here is my story. Title: Danny

Danny crossed the street at the intersection of Orion and Pine.  The sky was vividly blue, rare for Seattle. He smiled up at the azure canopy and began to whistle as he drew closer to home. The melody had been with him for weeks, haunting his dreams. 

He was lost in the tune and he didn’t see the car coming. Danny stepped into the street, whistling clearly. When his legs broke, so did his song. His skull shattered the windshield and his blood coagulated there as he rolled off the hood.  He could still hear the melody as he died.