Manifest

If your 2013 was anything like mine, it was lackluster at best and downright morbid at worst. 2013 brought me a slew of physical ailments, psychotic episodes, and broken promises. However, I did start this blog, and with it, I found a renewed motivation to find routine and harmony in my life.

With that intention set for 2014, I would like to introduce you all to Manifest, a workshop for the coming year by the wonderful and illustrious Jessica. Manifest will be all about setting your intentions and achieving your goals in 2014, making it the best year yet. For the wild women and the daughters of the moon like so many of my readers are (and like myself!), this holistic workshop will not be your regular planner.  Included in the workshop will be one on one coaching sessions with Jessica herself, for the extra motivation to really learn the habits and skills to make every year from now on the best year ever. Please find all the information about Manifest here.

I am so honored to be a part of it, and it is my absolute pleasure to hopefully bring you on board with me.

With love and light to all of you,

Heather and Mullein

Seventeenth.

“Don't you understand that we need to be childish in order to understand? Only a child sees things with perfect clarity, because it hasn't developed all those filters which prevent us from seeing things that we don't expect to see.”-Douglas Adams

So it is with heavy heart that I announce I am infertile. My polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) is so rampant. I had an ultrasound a week ago or so, and my right ovary is so overrun with cysts and you can’t see the ovary beneath them.

I have a daughter. She is almost six. So while my biological clock is no longer ticking as I approach my 26^th birthday, I am still in mourning for the future. I wanted my little one to have siblings. Granted, she will probably have some through her father. Still, I wanted to have my own family with her.

Spiritually, I am lamenting the unreliability of my menstrual cycle. As a pagan and Goddess-worshiper, I grieve for the loss of my moontime. As a woman who has a passion for women’s spirituality and women’s sexuality, I feel that the loss of a regular moontime is symbolic of my inability to regulate my life. My entire life is unpredictable. My job, my ability to make money, my future. As someone with bipolar disorder, routine can make all the difference in the world. And I seem to be fighting it.

Overall, my mood is one of heartbreak. There is one shining light in this dark place that I have found myself, but I cannot reveal it here just quite yet.

The moon is waning. I will be banishing this darkness on the new moon with a ritual bath and devastatingly thorough housecleaning and smudging. On the full moon, I will be asking the Goddess for help finding myself, my femininity, my wild woman.

At least I don’t feel that I am alone. 

Sixteenth

I fought the devil and

I have cursed the name of God

I ate the flesh and

I drank all the blood I could find

Worshiped the sun when it rose

Denied it when it died

And I've killed lovers just as many times

As they have killed mine

Nobody's gonna save your ass except for you

Went out west only to find

That everyone's the same

Working jobs and getting high

Trying not to go insane

I've killed everything

I've ever done

I have ever tried

I kissed the devil, and I

I spoke the name on high

Nobody's gonna save your ass except for you

Nobody's gonna save your ass except for you

The lyrics above hold a very difficult lesson to learn. From a very young age, I believed I was a princess. The movie A Little Princess ingrained that lesson in me. Every girl is a princess. Unfortunately for me, that belief didn’t evolve with my increasing age. As tragedy befell me and the child abuse began, I still maintained that I was a princess. When bipolar disorder struck me and my medications wreaked havoc on my intellect, when I began to fail at all of the things that were my strengths, I still believed it. I was a princess, and I deserved to be treated as such.

I made excuses. I’m a princess, but a tragic princess. My abusers are the dragons that keep me locked away from my Prince Charming. My failings and flaws are mere quirks that will make me loved all the more.

When I was in therapy at age 15, my therapist - devastatingly handsome man who smelled of sage and cloves - tried to point out the flaw in my thinking. I was ranting and raving one day when he pulled out his phone. 

"Hold on, hold on," he said, flipping open his Samsung. I asked him what he was doing.

"I need to notify NASA. I just found the center of the universe."

That moment has stayed with me over a decade, but unfortunately, the lesson was a little less sticky.

It was a couple weeks ago that I realized something vital and devastating. While the concept of my royalty was completely valid within the intention of Sara Crewe, in typical bipolar fashion I blew it out of proportion and spun it into my own ball of excessive ego. I realized that I do have to work for what I want. I’m not talking about working a 9-5, etc. I’m talking about the effort it takes to CREATE.

I am a writer.  I am a witch. I am a soul that is full of life and I am screaming to reach beyond the limits of my body and touch the stars.

My Tarot of the Day today was XVII The Star. From the Shadowscapes Companion:

 Meaning: Regaining hope, faith in the future, inspiration. Finding the still and silent place within your being of serenity, tranquility amid trouble, harmony, offering without reservations, sharing and being generous. The harshness of daylight or even moonlight is gone, and there is nothing but the calm and nonjudgmental eyes of the stars. There is a peace to that, a space to gather up, prepare, and uplift the spirit. Let loose doubts and fears to the embrace of the night. The stars have always been symbols of guidance and hope, the light to lead you home. 

**Lyrics from Damion Suomi's "Save Your Ass"

Fifteenth

All day staring at the ceiling

Making friends with shadows on my wall

All night hearing voices telling me

That I should get some sleep

Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on

Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown

And I don't know why

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired

I know right now you don't care

But soon enough you're gonna think of me

And how I used to be

It seems that medication is a double-edged sword. The pain and confusion that comes with unmedicated mental illness is swept away with a regimen of chemicals into the brain. Unfortunately, with the symptoms also go the magic and wonder that comes with seeing the beauty in a seemingly crystal clear manic state.  Clarity is gone, hidden under the haze of medicated lethargy.

It is difficult. Creativity is stifled. I used to get awards for my writing. I used to be praised. All of my teachers in school told my parents that I would be a famous author one day. I scored a 2200 on the SAT. I am a certifiable genius. I could have joined MENSA. But every day that I pop those psychotropic drugs, the foggier my mind becomes. It is my burden. It is my curse. If I want to create and live as carefree as when I was young, I could go off of the medications. But at what cost? To lose my ability to be patient and teach my young daughter? To lose every interpersonal relationship I have? To lose the ability to work and provide for myself – an ability that is even still fought for every day with my sweat and tears?

There are no easy solutions for a bipolar person. For a pagan, it is even more painful. While we may find peace the light of the moon or with our respective deities, our spirit guides, our totem animals, our sense of duty to be good to ourselves and those things that are ours is pivotal to our spiritual development. As a Goddess worshiper, I am acutely aware of my failings as I cycle into the Mother phase of my life. I simultaneously pine for the past and my Maiden stage as I crave and hunger for the knowledge that will lead me into success as a woman in my Crone stage. There is no easy way. The sooner the bipolar pagan learns this, the better.  

When I was young, I was a wild child

Sunshine, grass stains, mud piles

Skinning my knee was a battle scar

I was afraid of monsters, but not the dark

With the dawn, I’d run so far

Exploring every secret place, every park

Today I choke and gasp for air

Seeking magick everywhere

Only duty to hold me down

I will die without a sound.

"WildChild" Copyright 2013 - Heather Rivero

**Lyrics From"Unwell" by Matchbox 20

Fourteenth

Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can't tell where the journey will end
But I know where to start
They tell me I'm too young to understand
They say I'm caught up in a dream
Well life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes
Well that's fine by me

Grounding and centering is an important part of my paganism. It is the process of meditating and making sure I’m aware of where I am, and who I am, an achieving a sense of balance in my personal energy. It is an integral part of practicing magick. If you aren’t grounded and centered, your magick will be messy and unfocused.

As someone who is bipolar meditation is a fundamental necessity. Grounding helps me focus my emotions and my mood. Often, I am able to rein in a potentially disastrous episode by simple grounding. You can ground anywhere. It may take practice, but once you have a good concept of what works for you, you can do it in the restroom at work or in a crowded shopping mall.

The method that works best for me is this:

I sit on the floor, feeling the earth beneath me. I begin to imagine roots coming down my spine and through my tailbone, growing down into the earth. If I am indoors, I visualize the roots spreading through the lower floors and foundation until they reach earth. Deeper and deeper they go, through the earth’s crust and the mantle all the way through the outer core until I reach the inner core. I grow warmer and warmer the deeper I go. When I reach the core, I pull energy from the earth up into my body. Warm, white light fills me from my fingertips to my toes. I see myself growing tall like a tree. I personally view myself as a strong oak or willow tree. I am firmly rooted in the earth. I am stable. I am ancient. When the healing energy of Gaia has helped me feel secure, I push all the excess energy back down through the roots to be returned to the Earth Mother. 

You can find a good morning grounding meditation here. 



**Lyrics from Avicii's "Wake Me Up"

Topics for Next Week

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Next week, I will be be posting three entries in a crash course of Bipolar Paganism. 

First, I will explore grounding. In my opinion, grounding is a necessary life skill for bipolar patients, and even more so for pagans. 

Second, I will be discussing medications and how they affected my Hawaii vacation. My trip was supposed to be a spiritual journey, but it didn't end up that way. 

Third, I will explore decisions. Epiphanies. The moment you know that you have already decided which course you will take and all that is left is to plot your course and take action. 

I look forward to exploring these topics with you!

Giveaway!

I did not ask for the life that I was given, but it was given nonetheless. And with it, I did my best.-Mr. Eko

Hello everyone.

I am on vacation in Hawaii, but I wanted to take this chance to tell you that I am offering a distance Reiki session as a part of Jessikat’s giveaway. Please check out this amazing woman’s website and take part in her awesome giveaway! You won’t regret it!

Thirteenth

The basic problem with my love relationships with women is that my standards are so high - and they apply equally to both of us. I seek full-blast mutual intensity, fully fledged mutual acceptance, full-blown mutual flourishing, and fully felt peace and joy with each other. This requires a level of physical attraction, personal adoration, and moral admiration that is hard to find. –Cornel West

Relationships are hard for everyone. There has never been a couple on this planet that never fought. At least once in every relationship on earth there happens an event of malcontent. A disagreement, an accidental foregone chore, an intentionally rude behavior. It is inevitable and it is necessary. Healthy relationships are not happy relationships one hundred percent of the time. Growth cannot happen without adversity. Even baby birds have to push themselves out of the egg if they ever want a hope of surviving in the big and beautiful world that awaits them. So it is with relationships. It is by getting through the little arguments that we can build the foundations to master the greatest challenges.

As a bipolar pagan, relationships are harder than ever for me. I am currently with a mentally and physically healthy Catholic man who has never suffered from the abuses that I struggled with growing up. His family is supportive and successful and never bitter or resentful. His successes are celebrated fervently, and his sorrows are shared. Indeed, his upbringing is about as far from mine as can be expected from two middle class families.

My paganism has my head in the clouds. Even while I am grounded and rooted in spellwork or meditation, my expectations for life and the world around me are never consistently met. It is this grievance that leads me to hold on to the great love of my life. I am never completely happy and I find myself daydreaming perpetually of the love I could have had. My bipolar has me irritated nearly constantly and so I place further burden on my partner because I cannot see things rationally.

Relationships are hard. I hope to one day find that balance and bliss that I have been seeking over the lifetimes. 

Twelfth

“We the mortals touch the metals,
the wind, the ocean shores, the stones,
knowing they will go on, inert or burning,
and I was discovering, naming all the these things:
it was my destiny to love and say goodbye.” 

–Pablo Neruda

What is it about the night

That brings the quiet

I look to the city lights

And it is not sleeping.

What is it about the night

That offers solace

To the weeping sprites

That cannot retire.

What is it about the night

That offers balance

From the sunlight

To deepest shadow.

What is it about the night

That makes me remember

For all of my might

I cannot forsake you.

-Remembering the Nights © 2013 Heather Rivero

Eleventh

If you should find romance
Go on and take that chance
Before the strategies begin

Deadlines and commitments
Every morning
And in the evening
They can suck you in
Boy, don't I know it

This offer would be standing
All you've got to do is call
Don't be afraid to knock on the door

If you should fall upon hard times
If you should lose your way
There is a place
Here in this house
That you can stay

I am a Reiki practitioner. I received my certifications around six or seven months ago. I practice on myself and on family members, but I had never actually received Reiki from anyone else before. Today, I took a chance and I took an offer from a dear friend of mine to be her first client in her Wellness Clinic she wants to start for holistic healing. She, too, is a Reiki healer.

I laid down on her table and she placed a lavender scented pillow over my eyes. I closed my eyes.

I trust in Shae completely, and I knew I was in good hands. When she began by putting her hands on either side of my head, cupping my skull in a way, magick happened. I don’t know what it was, but it was like Mary Poppins was in my brain, putting the chemicals and nerves back, rebuilding the myelin sheaths. Tidying up the place. I could see it. After a few minutes she placed her hands over my head and I saw light. My eyes were not open and the pillow hadn’t moved, but I saw light dancing across my vision as pure and as bright as morning. Her healing light continued to wash over me as she healed me. She chose to do some light energy healing as well, moving my energy around where it needed to be. Finally, she finished the session with music healing. She played a haunting, beautiful melody on her Native American flute.

The key thing about today is while she healed my head, I came to a sudden realization. I am whole. I am beautiful. I am strong. I am powerful. I may have physical and mental illnesses and a load of painful memories, but my soul is strong and whole. I am not broken. The only thing that was broken about me before was my ability to see myself for who I really am.

I am Heather. I am.

 Blessed Be.

**Lyrics from "Deadlines and Commitments" by The Killers